i'm finally coming to terms with the idea that jewel's problems are not the result of my mothering. i talked to a friend about the problems we're having and she made the point that it has nothing to do with me - it's all her. and she's right. jewel has always been a less enthusiastic kid - she wasn't particularly happy when people came around to see her as an infant, and she's always tended towards the negative. she's had some tough breaks too, with linnorm and i divorcing, moving to georgia just as she was starting high school, the life of poverty we've struggled with. not every kid responds to adversity with strength, and a kid who is already negative is more likely to have greater issues during the teen years. it's very hard to choose our battles carefully with her since she turns everything into a battle, but that's really all we can do and hope that it's enough. she's just going to have to learn most her lesson the hard way - through the school of hard knocks.
this is the year i get a full time, permanent position, one way or another. if i have to, i'll take the praxis II for high school, but we will not go through another entire year like this. i've made a few bumbling errors in my long term position, but i've learned a lot and know i can do this. my pII scores make me a fully qualified candidate for employment. i have what i need, and i'm going to get it this year. that's all there is to it.
and once i do that, the plan is to get ourselves a bit more stabilized, get saxy a truck, and get me a working wardrobe. then we'll start getting ourselves out of our ditch.
today's my last full day home on vacation, and i've got quite a bit to tackle. the grades thing obviously takes precedence, but this office needs to be cleaned up and organized as well.
and there's still been no writing. (well, okay, there was about 500 words, but i need/want to do more than that).
speaking of which, job or no, i need to pick up the pace on my novel, so a chapter will go with me to work every day, as well as the "soundtrack" created for alden. i get even 5 minutes, that's what i'll listen to and that's what i'll work on. i need to get the sucker done. and so i can post my finished chapters, i'll take one item to crit with me every day as well. my crits and writing in the past were very much a mood thing - i did what i was in the mood for. the good in that was that it developed a daily habit of writing and reviewing that i needed. the bad is that it hasn't quite developed the discipline i need. i need to tackle my book and i need to be sure to crit something at least every 2 weeks. take one chapter to revise, on item to crit, and there's no choices, and hopefully i will learn to do what i need to do regardless of how i feel about it.
linnorm leaves for home today. kitten leaves for fort gordon on wednesday. as much as we'll be grateful for having less of a full house (not to mention lower food bills!), we'll miss our girl. i'm worried about her next year and where she's going to end up when she's done with her a.i.t. i'm worried about her managing to finish her current classes and not being reclassified under another, possibly more dangerous, position. i've told her, under any other president, it wouldn't be as great a concern, but bush seems to think war is the solution to every argument, and has lost sight of the fact that most americans don't support this prolonged meddling he's insisted on. all i can do is hope and pray she'll come out of this unscathed and a stronger woman for her time in. and i hope we'll get to see her again soon, but i know i probably shouldn't hope for another summer visit. we may be finally down to the once a year vacation time visits, if that.
it's 4:30 a.m. the rain, thunder, and lightening don't look like they'll be stopping any time soon. it's probably time for me to finally go to bed and get some sleep. i'll probably need some more migraine medicine to help me actually get to sleep, but, yea, it's about that time.