only the second day of the new year and i've already managed to step on a friend's toes just by being myself. i am seriously feeling like i'm not allowed to ask questions or to tease people. period, and i am not in the mood to deal with it because, honestly, it's bullshit. and do people even bother telling me that they need me to leave them alone on something? rarely. instead, they shut down without a word and disappear.

like i can't figure out that something i said pushed some freaking button i didn't know about. i'm not stupid and the lack of honesty pisses me off. hell, the attitude that i have a problem pisses me off. like i'm not acceptable the way i am or something. and it hurts.

granted, i can get pushy. everyone can get pushy. that's life, that's being human. but i get so damn tired of feeling like i have to tiptoe around people i thought were friends because if i don't they'll take something i said the wrong way. then i feel like i have to stop being me, like i have to hold who i am inside because no one can take it and i don't want to hurt the people i care about. but doing that hurt me. and it makes me wonder if these people really are my friends. i mean, don't friends just accept you the way you are, warts and all?

i'm a pretty straight forward person, at least i'd like to think so. i joke around and tease, but for the most part, i say what i mean. i try not to be cruel, got too much of that as a kid. i know what i want, i have a strong personality, and maybe i don't tease "right" or well. and i have expectations, just like everyone else. and that's probably where i get in trouble.

when someone says they're going to do something, i expect them to do it. if they don't within a reasonable amount of time, i'm entitled to ask without them saying i am pressuring them. i understand that things can get in the way of getting things done. i still have several projects that are waiting for me to get to them.

i expect my friends to accept me the way i am. yes, if i'm doing something harmful, by all means tell me. but don't try to change me just because you're reading my actions wrong or because i don't react to/do things the same way as you or whatever.

i expect honesty from those who i call and call me friend. too many people are so afraid of confrontations that they can't say, "i really need you to back off a bit." instead they disappear, which hurts more than just coming out and saying "knock it off" does. if i'm bugging you, tell me. if you don't think you'll have time to do something you said you would, tell me. if what i said didn't make sense or came of in a manner you're not too sure about, ask. if you're too cranky for words and need to be left alone, tell me. yea, i'll be disappointed, but, hey, better a little disappointment now a big upset later. some things just aren't worth sacrificing a friendship over in a big blow up that really could have been prevented earlier with a little honesty. too many people hide what they're thinking and feeling and then everyone's bewildered when it all explodes. being honest from the beginning is just a much better way to go about things, i think. i'm not a mind reader, and that particularly applies to the net.

i expect people to take what i say at face value and to not read anything into it. i try not to be manipulative, and i try not to have any hidden meanings behind what i say. i try not to play games, i try not to wear masks. it isn't always easy, but i try. perhaps this is part of the problem too. in today's world, being this way is just too different.

i try to be easy going in general. if i ask about something, a simple answer will do. hell, i try to have very little bother me. okay, so i often fail, but i think i'm more flexible than a lot of people i know.

but with the way people, friends, are sometimes . . . well, i just want to give up on people. i just want to give up on me. i just want to give up on doing the things i like doing because then i can avoid having people feel like they have to "deal" with me. and it hurts to feel that way. which is probably why i never do it. that and i know it will get better.

or maybe i'm not so smart after all.

or maybe i just expect too much. maybe people just can't meet these expectations. saying no can be difficult, especially if you really want to help. acceptance is hard because that means you have to accept (not necessarily like) even the parts of a person that bug you and it's just so much easier to try to get them to change those parts and not have them bug you any more. honesty is scary. it hurts sometimes. and taking someone just as they present themselves, who am i kidding? no one is who they say they are in today's world, right? it's just so much easier to assume and retreat.

maybe i'm just too harsh.

this entry probably long ceased to make any sense. i think i'm just gonna quit on it now. i'll calm down. sometimes all i need to do is get the frustration out. it's either a gift or a curse. i get my feelings out then i'm okay. usually.

i won't be posting this to the updates elist. i just don't feel like dealing with any flack about it.