saturday, january 7, 2006

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"Bridge of Wings -
Where He Waits"

Pui-Mun Law

paper background from
© Davide Guglielmo

it's been a rocky new year so far. thank god we have 11 more months to make it a better year because getting worse is a scary prospect at this point.

january rent was iffy for us last year, and it's iffy for us this year. it'll only stop being iffy when i get a full time, permanent paycheck because only then will the needs of the last 2 weeks of december and rent be covered in one check. unfortunately, our landlord can't work with us this year and he needs at least half our rent now. we don't have it.

there's lots of reasons for this: christmas, company over christmas vacation (linnorm may have to pay rent or food the next time he comes to stay a week - we don't mind saving him hotel expenses, but we obviously can't afford it), outrageous utilities, and, sadly, issues with saxy's job with mcat. we almost didn't get a check at all this week - mcat couldn't afford it. last year, he didn't have work for saxy for 2 weeks. this year he's had some, but it doesn't help much if we're not sure the check will go through.

saxy's begun looking for another job in seriousness. and he may already have one. it's part time afternoons and would give us a stable, steady income while allowing him to work with mcat a few hours each day. this takes some pressure off mcat as well - he won't have to hunt up work for saxy. saxy can do office work, clean up, and check delivery and deposits in a few hours a day. the whole issue about the construction part, which is honestly not saxy's strong point, can be completely avoided. and there's opportunity for advancement, eventual full time work at the other job. if he gets full time, there's opportunity for benefits. but the big thing is a regular paycheck, one we can count on in terms of hours and money.

then there's my cycle problem (sorry, boys, if you're reading, you may want to go away now - skim down to where i don't talk about women's stuff any more). i was on a medication that i swear the doctor said i would take for 10 days, and for another 10 days after that i wouldn't have a period. two days after my last pill, i started bleeding again. i was warned this one would be heavy, and it has been relatively heavy. the only reason i'm not freaking and pulling my hair out is because i was told that my body is doing what it's supposed to, just not how it's supposed to.

the problem is, this is how it all started off with my mother. she had heavy periods. the doctors worried she would hemorrhage and did a hysterectomy. after that, she went nuts. i will probably be physically okay, even if it's decided that i need to have my uterus removed. but i am scared to death i'm going to end up like my mother. and i can't not think about it.

and the whole thing is wearing me out. i'm tired constantly. i don't think it's just the issues with the iron loss - it's trying to be normal - go to work, come home, deal with the money problems, deal with the kids -it's trying to deal with the other issues that aren't so big but still need to be taken care of (jewel's attitude for one), it's everything weighing down on me in such a way that my emotional state is finally sinking. knowing things will get better, knowing that i probably won't end up like my mother, knowing that we'll find our footing and get stable, knowing just isn't helping this time around. even handing some things over to saxy to deal with (phone calls to the landlord and the like) hasn't relieved it much.

i'm usually a fighter, but i feel like i can't fight any more. there's just no strength left, it seems. the rocks are winning and i don't know how to fix it.

one year at a time
2000 / 2001 / 2002 / 2003 / 2004 / 2005 / 2006 / 2007 / 2008 / 2009 / 2010 / 2011 / 2012 / 2013 / 2014 / 2015 / 2016 / 2017 / 2018 / 2019 / 2020

give me them all

Since July 9, 2000

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