i don't even know
thursday, february 27, 2014


as in i don't even know what to title this entry. this whole past week has been a haze of trying to get to things and either not quite making it or taking several days to get things done. plus there's been a few minor changes and the return of the cold and stuff. i feel like i'm struggling to find my routine and just not managing to get it.

this is what happens when i spend nearly a year off track because of that editing job that paid next to nothing and had me working on stuff that was nowhere near ready for publication. that crap took over my life. getting my life back is proving a bit more problematic than i expected. but then, i always expect to just fall back into old routines, and that never actually happens. and lately, the days are just getting away from me. it's driving me a little crazy that my to do lists appear to be longer than i have time for, but before the editing job, i managed to get so much more done. so there's something else i don't even know.

saxy has moved on from lure to alma. this past tuesday was his last day at lure. since he worked at both this past week, hopefully this will be the last week in awhile with a short check, especially since he'll be making more at alma than he was at lure (not by much, but every little bit helps). the timing is right on the edge for us: because of the holidays and reduced hours at lure, his checks have been short by as much as $200. combine this with one crazy cold winter and the higher bills (our electric bill has almost doubled), and it has been challenging to meet our obligations and still eat. i used to be ahead on the car payment, now i'm barely on time. this electric bill will be a challenge to pay. i'm trying to figure out how to pay all our bills tomorrow and still have enough just for gas, much less food. if these short checks had continued, i don't even know how we'd avoid being in the same round robin we were in while living at toxic house—and the rent and other main bills are less here.

and, yea, that knee jerk freak out panic is starting to build a little. i so do not want to ever be back in that place again. we're right on the edge of it now: tomorrow's check is going to be small, and i have 2 bills i'm freaking out over. one of them i think i can make arrangements on, but the car? not so much. and even when things start to even out again, i don't even know how i'm going to get ahead again for the next time we have short checks. and they will come. december always runs a little short because there's too many days off. at least i have almost a year to sort it out...sorta.

and i say sorta because now we also need to save the minimum we need for our 4 days at dragon con. no hotel or anything this year, but we need moneys for a few neat things (like t-shirts and whatnot), food, and transportation. in the past that's cost us between $300-400. i'm sure it'll be more expensive this year, especially with the talk about food prices going up. and i think marta went up last year, but since we were in a hotel, i have no idea how much. so getting ahead on the bills and saving for dragon con? yea, i don't even know.

on the things i do know: i have an appointment for both the mammogram and with a cardio. one of them is on a monday. i also got froggy's birth date corrected with the aca, which should also correct it for humana (believe it or not, that took two weeks). the three of us also discussed the current pcp we have and have decided to change. she was just too abrupt and condescending. we need a pcp who can understand the reasons why we've not been able to see doctors and take care of things over the past few years or so, and why even with insurance we have limits now and have to pick and choose what we take care of now. we're waiting until we finish all this physicals stuff, but we'll be moving on probably somewhere around april or may.

i keep saying it, but i just wish things would settle, but right now, i'd be happy with the financial end of things evening out again. with the number of changes and challenges still coming (novel coming out through the co-op, my son finishing school and out, and so on), i don't even know how or when i'm going to get my schedule together. for now, i've just got to roll with it, i guess. there are a lot of things i need to start picking up and doing, but i'm just going to have to work them in when i can. and. no, i don't even know how i'm going to manage it. but somewhere along the way, i'll figure it out. i hope.