tuesday, february 13, 2001
making the grade

one of the things i was REALLY worried about in going back to uni was tests. 2 years ago when i left, due to severe anemia and the resulting issues in my health and managing the adhd i didn't know i had, i had gone from straight a's to flunking in a matter of a single quarter. i took an leave of absence on the chance that i might return and an l.o.a. makes getting back in the uni a bit easier than dropping out. but inside, i didn't think i would return at all. my health was at stake, all i wanted to do was sleep whenever it was mentioned, i discovered that i had really missed my kids more than i had imagined, and my confidence was shaken to its very roots. i fought to stay but being sick with the flu for 6 weeks and flunking 2 out of 3 tests finally convinced me it was time to give my tired body a break. while most of the other problems have been somewhat solved, the confidence thing has been a real problem since day one of going back.

until today.

i have felt totally swamped and lost almost this entire quarter (all 5 or 6 weeks of it). i am generally behind in my reading and scraping in under the deadline on many of the papers. i know this isn't the way to go to school and be successful, i've done this before! i've been successful before. solid a's even in classes i hated (like math! eeeeeeeewwwwww!). and this perpetual struggle just to keep up has bothered me immensely. i never really worried about papers, even squeaking by i have always been able to write a decent paper (shush, kel! your confidence in my writing ability is well known.). concentration has become a big issue when it comes to reading, and my note taking is definitely very rusty. but while i was concerned about these things, none of them have bothered me as much as the tests i knew i was going to be taking.

my anemia has made swiss cheese of my memory, my adhd has made swiss cheese of my concentration, and both are pretty much needed for studying and taking tests. i knew going back that i wouldn't be the a student i was used to before, if only because the leakage out my brain wouldn't let me. face it, how can you expect someone who forgets a conversation in less than 5 minutes (an important one that she attended to 100% while it was going on) to do well on tests? tests require memory. you can't forget and answer the question right. to be able to actually study so you can remember you have to be able to concentrate. nothing stays long if you're distracted every few minutes. it is no surprise that, of all my concerns about going back to the uni, tests have had me the most worried. midterms and finals could make or break a grade, and i feared i didn't have what it takes to make the grade anymore.

until today.

today i didn't feel the cold and wet coming home. today i had a smile on my face. today i had a confidence booster. today i learned i still can make the grade. it may take more effort than before, but i CAN do it. i am not foolish enough to think i can do so well on every test i take for the next 5 quarters, but i now know i will do ok. i CAN do this.

my communications midterm score is in.

and i got an A.