really, i didn't mean for it to be so long between entries. in fact, i've had 2 entries pretty much slip out of my fingers--one which i wanted to write all last week (total fluff that may be written one day anyway) and the other which was a weekend post. neither made it because...well, i've been busy being not busy! (trust me, that can indeed happen.)
last week i was pretty much up against a deadline and had to focus on getting the sucker done and back to the author. i actually didn't finish until this monday. then, over the weekend, i was completely immersed in the actual writing--got work done on phoenix rising, revised a chapter of assassin's choice, started looking at novel plot building again at the encouragement of my fellow dreamers, and wrote a new poem. we've also had sick kids on and off all last week--which is continuing this week (froggy is home again today). whatever the kids are picking up at school, it's nasty. which also means i'll get hit with it and be down for several weeks, at least.
the collision from my last entry is slowly detangling itself, though not without a few additions to the pile up. emotionally, i'm doing much better. the female stuff seems to have finally taken a hike for a bit (considering the 2 weeks on, 1 week off, 2 weeks on of the last month or so, i'm not guessing for how long), though we are prepared for it should it hit again. the weather is still generally wicked, but there's been a few good days with sunny skies and no headaches. i've even had a day where i was totally energetic.
and nothing can beat snuggling up with a purring cat. vagner and ororo aren't much for the snuggle part, but logan will purr even if he's not into being snuggled at the moment. cat therapy works wonders. ;)
hub's been working almost every day, if not for j.e. then for others who like him. he's had a few off, but not many. last friday, we even had enough money to pick up a couple of cheap bento boxes ($15 total) and just get out. the financial mess won't clear up any time soon and i refuse to not treat us every once in awhile just because there is a financial mess. not being treated every now and again is a sure way to keep me depressed, and possibly take me over that edge that i've avoided for years now. i don't want to get in that dark place again, thank you very much. so we went out, picked me up a replacement box for one that broke, got saxy a new hoodie (gorgeous white with a red dragon...so he has to share it with me!), and ate at a hamburger joint. we really want to take the kids to see jumper, but need to know if it's kid safe first and save up for it second.
a couple different things helped with the emotional "i suck at caring for the family" mess. one, lots of loverly friends who pointed out that there's more to caring for kids than the money. i knew that, really i did. i guess my head just needed a reminder.
secondly, this past weekend, when i started to wonder if i should even be trying to write and sell my writing, i finally added new words to phoenix rising. and felt better. and it hit me--i need something in that free flowing, just get the story down phase, and i need to work on it every week, to feel like my writing is worth anything. revisions are hard. you look at what's wrong and try to fix it. i don't enjoy them and see so much wrong with my writing that it's hard to feel like this is what i should be doing. when in the earlier phases of my writing process, i'm not worrying about errors or looking for the problems with my writing--i'm just enjoying the flow of words. i'm into my story and watching it take shape. i'm building and creating. i need that. i can't just be doing nothing but fixing all the time or my steam runs out.
finally, there was an article in just the last couple of days from john scalzi: unasked for advice to new writers about money. buried in that long, wonderful post is this: "It also meant being the at-home parent, which saved us a bundle on day care (which kept our costs down, which counts as contributing)." i've always wanted to be an at home mommy. and now i have that option and i'm upset that i'm not contributing? of course i'm contributing! kids need more than just the money we bring in, and i have a son who needs more than the average kid. i've always felt that children should have a parent at home--someone to be there when they came home from school. i just think a parent is a better emotional connection then a sibling or a nanny or a day care. they can provide the stability and everything else a parent can, i just think the parent is the better choice. we were forced to keep one of us home--me since my job doesn't make as much money as his--but that doesn't make the choice a bad one. i am providing my husband the time he needs to work without worrying about whether he needs to pick me up. and my kids, well, they get me. and that's just as important, maybe more so, than me providing an income. besides, we all know i wouldn't put taz in any kind of day care. with his disabilities, i'd be too worried about how he's being treated. no, i'm definitely the better person to be providing his care. period.
even with most things taking a turn for the better, that doesn't mean everything is going better. taxes still look like a nightmare. i'll know more for sure hopefully next week. this weekend the washer finally kicked it, so we'll have to use hub's smaller paycheck to finish paying off the cable (which we had paid $100 on so we could get a week of non-programming...they shut us off again this weekend), the trash pickup, and buy another really cheap washer that we can hope will last another 3 years (saxy knows of a place where we can buy one for $100; same place as we bought this one). and we're going to need to be very good over the next few weeks so we can handle the utilities and next month's rent. but that's nothing new either--this catch up thing seems to happen at the beginning of every year and our financial mess is always just that: a mess. not much we seem able to do about that. and taz needs long-sleeved shirt. so, basically, finances are about the same. :P
but i'll take the same over worse, which is how things were looking 2 weeks ago. i really didn't mean to miss the last 2 weeks, but, apparently, i needed it.
word of the moment: dissolute
unrestrained by convention or morality; lacking restraint; marked by indulgence in things deemed vices