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collision
wednesday, january 30, 2008

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okay, i want to go back to having a meh week now. last night ended up being a collision of a whole bunch of crap and turned into a night i'd rather forget. so, warning: major venting, depression, and general idiocy ahead.

i was actually okay in the morning, for the most part. a little tired from lack of sleep, as usual, but i had enough energy to actually get a lot of work done. i even managed a little on my own work.

then i decided to start giving our taxes am attempt. a really bad idea. for one, the whole 1099 and crap just confuses me. for two, right now. without the husband's income, we'll actually get a return. since neither of saxy's employers take taxes out of his pay (they consider him an individual contractor, so he has to manage his own taxes), that return will be eaten up...and then some. so, in addition to fighting our way through the post holiday mess we're struggling with, we'll have to figure out how to pay whatever it is we owe. considering we can't even pay our $300 water bill, i'm not at all sure how we're going to pay ANYTHING any time soon.

and then it hit me how useless i've been when it comes to supporting my family. without me and the kids, my husband's job would take care of him just fine. and linnorm makes enough to take care of the kids. my jobs? useless. the subbing worked for a bit (though i think we were only making maybe $50 extra week), then we ended up paying for me to work. my writing? i earned $25 last year--and paid a hell of a lot more in stamps, paper, ink, and (if you want to count it like i'm trying to for the taxes) rent of space. the editing job? nada yet. that, hopefully will change, but so far it's a sinkhole too. if i did NOTHING AT ALL except clean house, i'd still be a financial sinkhole. and i'm the one with the college education.

and, yes, i got depressed. it's not that i don't know people care about me, maybe even need me; i just don't feel like i'm any use to anyone. my family would be better off without me--my kids would be with someone who can take care of their physical needs better than i've been able to, my husband might actually be able to have a life. it just sucks.

but, oh yes, it gets worse!

for one, i'm doing the female hormonal bullshit again. yes, it's only been a week since i stopped the 16 day period from hell. how long will this one last? god knows. i'm REALLY hoping it's just my body trying to figure out what it's supposed to do. pile on top of this, however, that i'm apparently in the middle of the years where most people worldwide are at their unhappiest, and things just aren't going to well for me in the physical department either. and it was fucking cold last night so every bone and joint in my body ached.

then the weather kicked in, and brought one of my weather headaches with it. and this one was nasty--i swear the wind tried to shake the house apart! (and, apparently it did do quite a bit of damage elsewhere in the atlanta area) i ended up being very sick last night and just buried myself under the covers and played xenosaga III. and eating comfort food that my husband kindly went out and bought for me.

things are looking better today: saxy got paid, a few disconnect notices got delayed. and i'm working on my mood, really i am. i'm debating on whether or not to do any editing work today. i'm still not up to par and the entire morning is gone because of plans that got derailed when saxy got called in to work. after all the crap last night, and having my alone time day with my husband killed, i'm more inclined to crawl back in bed and just ignore the world.

i ordered chinese food instead. and am resisting ordering a bento box i REALLY want. we need that $30 ($15 plus the shipping from japan) for...food...rent...something other than me indulging myself any further despite the fact that i really feel like i need some indulgence today. instead, i have a double pile of dishes to do since i wasn't feeling good at all most of yesterday evening and laundry piled up.

the next time it's shit on domy day, would someone please send me the memo? i can handle one or two of these things at time, usually (especially since the finances are a constant thing), but this kind of collision of everything is just a bit much for me to take without warning.


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word of the moment: dissolute

unrestrained by convention or morality; acking restraint; marked by indulgence in things deemed vices

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