when i was about 3, maybe 4, a man came into my life. though i was not his, he raised me as his own until i was 13. his and my mother's divorce changed that a little, and we had a falling out of sorts when he accused me of allowing my mother to brainwash me against him. what he didn't understand was the feelings i expressed were mine. over the years i tried to reach out, told him about his grand kids, but he never responded. an old friend i knew for awhile would say that was my fault, but my dad was pretty hard headed and had very set ideas of how things should be. he and my brother had a falling out as well. dad was pretty tough. i always wanted a close extended family, the kind you sometimes see on tv, but eventually i gave up, stopped writing, stopped trying to connect. but still, he was the person i associated with the word 'dad'.

this morning my dad died. of lung cancer they tell me. he's apparently been sick for some time. i never knew. he went from not so well, to doing okay, to really sick, back to doing okay, but they found the tumor late and it metastasized pretty quickly after it was found. one lump was reduced 95%, but more were found pretty quickly after.

i'd always hoped that somehow we'd find a way to reconnect. i guess giving up on my part didn't help. and now i'll never have that chance. at least he and my brother managed to settle their differences. mcat was not only my dad's son biologically, but got more raising from him too. that the two were at odds was a sad thing to me.

i can't go to the funeral. all i can do is say good-bye here.

good-bye dad. i wish we had known each other better. but regardless of how it was between us, i always loved you. i still do. i've always missed you. and i always will.