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sunday, february 1, 2004

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not the best way to start a new month, feeling worn out and tired. it could be my monthly cycle kicking in, i always feel tired when i'm getting ready for that (anemia and further blood loss do not mix well), or it could be the shock from friday, or it could be both. or it could just be a low energy day.

the whole thing about dad is still very much on my mind. i've been feeling like i should be feeling or reacting differently. like i should be sad and depressed and crying, or something. but i don't. i've been stunned. but how can you feel loss for someone you haven't seen since you were 16 and haven't communicated with in over 12 years? he's been a part of my life, in a sense, he did raise me and that's an incredible influence, but that's not a direct thing you can say is lost. does this make me callous? i don't know. i'm stunned by his death, not know he was sick and all. maybe i just don't know how to feel.

beyond that, i've kinda not done much of anything this weekend. set up a new fl on my main personal site, taught saxy about how to use a php script so he could set up his own fl's without much help from me. a little reading. saxy and i have been playing ff5 together, i'm playing ff1. no writing. today i'm setting up a journal for a friend on the .net, planning on a little more reading, and hoping to get something done in the writing department. i'm delaying my 4th revision of the novel a week, and i think that has me a little out of it too, i've been very much looking forward to this next stage for some reason. but last week left me with lots of things that still need to be done, so they are on the list for this week and pushed the novel revision back a week. these weeks where every day seems to have something going on don't seem to happen too often, so hopefully i can actually get refocused back on getting writing things done and so on, and actually succeed in doing them! i hate weeks like last week, where every day has a new interruption.

perhaps that is part of being worn out too.

i e-filed our federal return today via tax act. i started them after the h&r block fiasco a few years back. actually, i went to a friend, but i did use the tax act software at one point and it worked out just fine. the site today worked out great and we're getting a significant return. even if the company with the judgment takes a chunk, we should still be able to get a car, finally. in case they don't take their chunk, the vehicle will be put in saxy's name to hopefully avoid them trying to take it. with a car, getting a job should be much easier, even in our high unemployment area.

i also have to make a decision about whether or not to go for my teacher's credential. while it's not helpful in cali right now, it might help in another state if we can't find anything here. my brother says with my degree i's be snapped up in alabama. too bad there's no place for me to stay in alabama. i really am not at all enthused about being a high school teacher, but it may be my only option and at least it would be something. it's not that i would hate it, it's that it's not my first choice. but my first choice requires master's degree that i can't afford even with the f.a. loans i would get and is more impacted than secondary education.

no wonder i'm worn.

site of the moment:

ring/clique/fl of the moment:
the sending
word of the moment: oubliette

a dungeon with an opening only at the top


Since July 9, 2000

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