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looking forward
tuesday, january 1, 2013

last year was better than 2011 (but then, almost any year could be better than 2011), but i'm glad it's over. i'm definitely ready to move on. i'm hoping for a year with less upheaval and a year with more good things coming our way. the latter half of 2012 was relatively quiet and felt more like a period of recovery than anything. there's still a sense of that, but i'm ready to refocus and move forward.

the biggest thing we have to focus on this year, and for a few years to come, is getting on better financial footing. saxy is working three jobs, but they are all part time, and really, the money is only one part of the equation. the mess we have to clean up took several years of an income to low to cover everything and expenses far too high to create; it's going to take at least a few years to clean it all up. i'm still working part time as an editor, but it's not bringing in much. the good news is i can generally get something small to work on when i ask to help cover gas or parking or some basics food wise. we're also trying to figure out how to clear out our storage unit and store things here at the apartment to save $100/month; it's just proving a bit harder than i thought since we have to pick up boxes in between late payments (they lock the unit up so we can't access it, but i've yet to figure out how to pay the rent on time with so much else needing to be paid at the same time—yes, i still do A LOT of money juggling). we also have youngest with us again and she puts in about $200 in food stamps a month. the hard part is that there are so many things that need to be taken care of—glasses for all of us, the previously mentioned mess, a root canal for me and general dental appointments for the men folk, furniture (starting over sucks, but there was no way i was brining bug-infested crap with us), and a ton of smaller things.

*deep breath*

this will take some time. little steps.

which reminds: j.e. and his wife are replacing their bed and giving us their old one. it is a really old one, but i don't think they'd offer it if it was unusable. and really, the only thing worse than a bed i have to refill 2 or 3 times a day/night is the bed we had in toxic house: a bed with valleys and spring poking out. i am so looking forward to have a real mattress to sleep on again.

another big focus for me is continuing my weight loss. my goal this year is 30 pounds, but i'm hoping for closer to 40 or 50. this first week of 2013 is my last week on my hormones, so i'm really hoping i've lost enough to stop the menorrhagia. if the problem reoccurs, we have to figure out how to pay for a doctor appointment and medication since the last thing i need right now is to land back in bed unable to do anything. i'm not too worried about losing the weight as long as i'm not put back in bed; i am worried about whether or not the bleeding will come back. we really can't afford it, and i can't afford it health wise. i've made too much progress over the last year. but i still have a long way to go to be as healthy as i can be.

one of the things i really need to get a handle on this year is my time. i've cut back my to do list significantly, but the thing i really need to work on is utilizing my time. my writing time is supposed to be at night, but somehow, i always seem to struggle to get moving. making time for exercise, housework, and making dinner, even the way i break things up, took a huge chunk out of my daylight hours. not sure why it's become such a problem to work on the writing at night since it's always been my most creative time in the past, but lately it's been difficult just to get focused. i'm still hoping that it's part of that sense of recovery, but even if it is, it's time to get a move on and get past it. i built up several habits over the years that were demolished in all the upheaval last year. now they just need to be updated and changed a little. this is really important not just because i have so much to do now, but also because i have two books making the rounds. when one (or both) get picked up, i've got to be able to do the editing and everything else expected of me, plus be able to get another book done to follow it up.

i also currently have two books i'm actively working on and a third that's a "when i feel like it or need a break" kind of book. one of the two active books needs to be done by the end of the year and the other needs to be well on its way to done. i'm not really working on shorts much any more, though i do have a few that i've been letting set around for a few years that i probably should finish. problem is, i'm not much interested in the length anymore (my ideas tend more towards novel length stories) or in the amount of work they need for the return, which isn't much. here's the thing: despite all my angst and all my insecurities, writing is the one thing i love to do. it's the one thing i've always wanted to do as a career. i let my insecurities stop me when i was younger; i'm not letting them do so now. and to be successful as a writer is more than ideas and talent: you have to work. you have to write. so i really need to get a handle on my time at night and use it for my writing again.

and all that are just the big things that i know about now. but here's the important thing: i have hope to make progress on all of them. the last couple of years have been very dark, chaotic, and depressing with more problems than solutions and very little hope of getting out of the mess we were in. toxic house just seemed to suck everything away: money, hope, health. it's very hard to expect things to get better in a situation like that. we sort of stumbled around getting out of that mess, but now we're in a place where the money is better, everyone is healthier, and there's hope. i'm looking forward to 2013 and all it brings knowing i'm stronger and better able to meet its challenges.

and that's the best way to see the future.


word of the moment: chatoyant
having a changeable luster or color with an undulating narrow band of white light

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