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just here
wednesday, april 26, 2017

i'll be honest: i have no idea why i'm struggling to do things. i'm no longer caring for my grandson, so i supposedly have my time back, i just can't seem to find it; and on the rare moment i think i can write or whatever else i've been ignoring, i just don't have the motivation. it's almost like i need a vacation, though i'm not sure from what. maybe the same old same old day in day out living?

my days are pretty much the same, even if they're not a set schedule: i wake up between 11 and noon, feed the kitties, take care of the garden, eat a yogurt, workout, shower, do some chores, make some dinner, do dishes, then chill out. or bake. what's not happening during the chilling time: writing. i go to bed around 2 or 3 a.m. and read, turning the light off around 4 or so. two days a week, other stuff happens: grocery shopping, doctor appointments, etc. other than having to worry about finances, it's a pretty stable life, and stability isn't a bad thing. for my son, it's a very good thing: he knows what chores we're doing when and can tackle his work early and enjoy the rest of his day.

and while that all sounds like a lot, it's not really. there are lots of moments when i could write, post here (or at journeys), submit my work, and so on. i'm just not interested enough. i'm not depressed, at least not in any way that i recognize, but in a lot of ways, i'm just here. my days don't vary by much, even the ones where i'm running errands are pretty much the same as any other day that i run errands.

it's also not really anything i should complain about. there are bad days, there are better days, and it would be much the same if i were working except this every day routine would also include a job at the same place doing the same tasks. and i was fine with it before rk joined us.

it's possible my energy is being drained by other worries: money is tight (but isn't it always?), health (especially without insurance), trump (i have no idea where to begin with that nightmare). but we've weathered worse (well, except trump), and i still got things done and wrote and was more engaged than i am now. lately i'm just tired, even when i get enough sleep, so by evening, even my brain is too tired.

i want to hope that a lot of this is from the long winter and the constant incoming storms that are messing with my sad (which means im not recovering my energy as well or as quickly as i have in the past). the above worries would defintiely add to the drain. i also only recently managed to clear up my allergies enough to not be totally miserable (for a few weeks there, i couldn't breathe—and i mean this was my usual congestion in overdrive and then some; it was horrible, and i couldn't do much of anything because i couldn;t freakin' breathe even with my allergy meds). and i want to hope that, as the spring storms move out, i start to find my equilibrium again, but then summer will hit and the heat will drain what little energy i have left. summer is as hard as winter for me, just in a different way.

it's not all bad though. the garden is going, and i love tinkering with it and watching it grow. taz is being helpful with a lot of things. i'm enjoying playing with makeup again. i'm reading more than i was for awhile there.

for all i know, this time of being "just" here, is a way for me to rest and recover from the last year or so when life was too full and time wasn't enough. and while it seems like it's been a long time, when looked at from the perrspective of how long things were so overwhelming, it really hasn't been that long at all.

sometimes "just here" isn't a bad thing, and i can always hope that's what's going on with me right now. sometimes you've just got to give things time.


word of the moment: kerasine :: resembling horn; horny; corneous

currently reading fiction: parable of the sower / labyrinth / the fifth season / kingfisher
non-fiction: our revolution: a future to believe in / intuitive eating: a revolutionary program that works
big fit girl: embrace the body you have

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