third one gone
sunday, january 29, 2012


so the third girl child is in the process of moving out, and as with the other two, it's my fault because i'm so demanding. because i expected her to come home and do her agreed upon work and because i won't let them talk to me and treat me any way they wish. granted, that's not how they see it. as far as they're concerned, i was trying to hold them back (when all i was trying to do was keep a roof over everyone's head), i didn't care about them and what they wanted to do, and so on and so forth and ad nauseum.

i am so tired of the "you weren't think about what I wanted whine. seriously. phoenixcat keeps saying she gets what i was trying to do, then she turns around and tells me i don't have a life because i stayed home to take care of the kids, that i should go get a job despite not having enough vehicles to go around and despite the fact that i really couldn't find anything that would cover the cost of child care. she acts like my decision to stay home was based entirely on my desire to...stay home. like we didn't think about it.

of course, she and the other two will say it has nothing to do with any of that. that i was stifling them. forget circumstances. not important that everyone needed to survive here. and now they have the youngest singing the same song and dance. she's "done" and i should "fuck off", and apparently, her telling me that should be perfectly acceptable.

there are some downsides to this for us. the income will drop again, but linnorm and i will discuss how to manage that since i'm still caring for taz (and will be for the rest of my life). i don't expect him to pay the full amount for two kids, but we'll have to figure out if a raise on just taz's money is even reasonable. the problem there being that any money he gives us will come out of taz's ssi.

on a personal level, there's the housework. i'm sure the kids think i was just being lazy when i really was just avoiding pain. i'll have to figure out how to manage the home with minimal pain, and there are a few things where that won't even be possible. i've been working on becoming stronger, but it's a process, and while i'm doing better, i still have some physical issues that get in the way of being able to normal stuff sometimes. just doing dishes hurts. then there's the allergies. i like breathing, which is why i avoid things like dusting. i'm allergic to house dust. it's got the be the stupidest allergy in the world, but i didn't ask for it. anyway, so now i'll have to figure out how to work around my limitations before i was ready to. and probably live on tylenol a lot more than i do now.

the housework thing should get a little easier when we finally move. which is one good thing about the youngest moving out: new areas to house hunt in have opened up since i no longer have to keep her school in mind.

and it'll be nice to not have to wonder if i just misplaced something or if she decided to take it.

you know, the girls make it clear that their attitudes towards me is my fault. and it can be pretty hard to not think the same when you have three voices telling you that you did whatever wrong in tandem. but here's the thing: i am not a second class citizen, i am not required to behave and make decisions as they see fit, and i'm certainly not going to bend over and take the disrespect. they don't think they're being disrespectful, but i'm telling you, if i'd spoken to my parents the way they talk to me, i'd being seeing stars for days. course that kind of thing isn't allowed now, and when a child turns 18 and decides she can tell you to deal with it and to fuck off, then you know what? telling them they can live elsewhere is about the only option you have unless you decide that it's okay to be disrespected in your own home.

froggy made a choice to behave a certain way and then to speak to me in a certain way when called on it. then she made the choice not to talk and work it out. she made the final decision about definitely moving out instead of dealing with the fallout of having the attitude she did. my older girls will lay the blame of whatever happens next at my feet, but it wasn't my choice. yes, i did say that if she felt she could speak to me in that way, she could find somewhere else to live. but there were still options, like an apology, like coming home and discussing the situation. instead, she took the line of her older sisters and decided i was the problem. all the girls seem to be very good at deflecting responsibility for their behavior and laying it at my feet. and it's very hard for me to not pick apart my mothering and think i was a failure. but it all comes down to their choices.

i've done what i could. now i have to let go and step back and let it all play out. they keep saying they're done, they're tired of me...being me, i guess. so be it. i'm tired. i've done my best, regardless of what they think i could have done better, and now, yep, i'm done too. i've done my best by them under very trying circumstance and persistent poverty. it's easy for them to say i could have done this different or that different, but until they're exactly where i'm standing (which they will never be), they don't have any idea, no matter how much they think otherwise. for now, my job is done. the rest is up to them.

although, it may take awhile before that sinks in 100%. :P