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sunday, may 9, 2010
this week has sucked, not just because of the accident itself, but also because of the aftermath of that accident and a few other things. for example, i had told saxy that all taz's ssi was spoken for but when it came in he "checked the account" and saw i had paid some bills and assumed the rest was available and bought groceries. understandable, but i told him several times that money was all gone, and his spending bounced a bill...twice. since then, the bank account has been a mess (although some of THAT was the bank's fault: they counted a bill as paid for 3 days then bounced it despite the overdraft protection and charged us the $34 fee, so there's a mess we're still trying to sort out). we finally got some cash in the bank...but saxy couldn't spend it even to get cat food because the bank kept it as pending, but it's CASH. so, yea, that's just sucked.
and right now i'm just hoping i can get the water bill paid before that gets cut off. have to pay it tomorrow i guess. and hope linnorm's money gets into the bank in time for me to take care of it.
obviously we're still waiting on the insurance. we haven't heard anything back since thursday but we're not too hopeful that they'll send us the money. and now we need to get kitten in to a doctor because her back is giving her problems. she's supposed to see her "regular" doctor, but she doesn't have one because she doesn't have insurance. so we're not sure what to do with that, and i'm afraid we're going to have to pay for it and get reimbursed.
do we sound like we can afford to pay for anything right now?
and, really, i'm so tired of being here. we try to do all the right things, and it never works. it's making me crazy. i know there are people out there who read about people like us, or who know us specifically, who figure why bother helping because we'll only be in this mess again. and i know quite a few of them wonder why the hell we just can't get it together and get on our feet and take care of ourselvesthat we must be irresponsible or doing something wrong to always be back in this place. but we do try to do the right things and...i dunno...we just never seem able to get anywhere. right when we start to, something happens that's completely out of our control to slam us back down. this shit has been going on for as long as i remember, even before i married saxy and i'm worn out. i'm tired of hoping for a better future, of doing whatever i can to reach the goal of a better future, and shit i can do nothing about and can't foresee to prevent stepping in and making it impossible.
and i am so over it. it's time for us to be able to get on our feet and stay there, dammit. it's time for some good to happen. no one deserves a lifetime of this shit. and what happens when we're at retirement age? and what about the kids who only seem to have inherited this curse along with my brown eyes?
wtf is wrong with us that we're not allowed to live a better life?
so, yea, a rough week. seems may is rough most years, from what i've seen in the entries from previous years. and it seems we can't go through a year without some major disaster/set back (last year was the house). and i'm just plain tired of it. people wonder why i can't "think positive" for the future. i used to! but 20+ years of having dreams crushed and disaster after disaster that you can't do anything about tends to beat you down. some of the stuff i do these days, i do because what else am i going to do? i may not have much hope any more, but i can't just give up either. i mean, seriously, can't let us end up on the street. we've got other people relying on us, so i can't just roll over and let us sink without a fight. but hope it'll get better than this? yea, that's getting harder and harder to do.
and, yea, saxy's job isn't helping while trying to help. they managed to help him with finding a fellow employee who can help with the ride issues, but yet another paycheck is delayed. the only reason i'm not a screaming banshee is at least they're giving him much needed experience that can be used to find a better job later. unfortunately, later means he needs at least a year or two here and i don't know if the place is going to make it to its first anniversary. he can't quithe wouldn't get unemployment, and if he did, it would be a lot less than he was getting from the previous job. so all we can do is hang on and hope they get their shit together.
in other news: froggy is still struggling with school. she's trying really hard, but hasn't figured out how to focus on more than one class at a time and has issues remembering to turn things in. taz is doing well and even got second place in his race for the special olympics. apparently he just takes off when they say go, unlike some kids who need to encouraged to get going. he's very proud of his 2nd place ribbon too. middle and youngest daughter have been sick, and guess who's catching it? yea. from what i've seen of the new crud, really not so thrilled. oldest is enjoying school and has managed to find rides at least for this week. right now, we'll have to go one week at a time and hope the insurance thing sorts itself out in our favor.
as for my writing, i'm getting fairly decent stuff back from my beta readers for assassin's choice. i have had a few who think there needs to be some larger changes, but most are the smaller nit picks i was hoping to see. i still have some polishing to do, but the novel is out to its first market. so we'll see what happens there. i'm also waiting to hear on one other story right nowit had been short listed for their summer issue and i'm supposed to hear this month. if it got accepted, it wouldn't be a big pay out (like $10 or something), but it would be another decent credit to my list.
for the rest of my mother's day, i'm pretty much just chilling, i think. froggy needs to use dragyncat (my laptop) because the laptop she has been using keeps shutting down and refuses to boot back up. since she really needs to get the homework done, someone around here has to give up a laptop. saxy's, it turns out, is just as fussy as the old one she's using, and neither of the girls are "giving up" their win7's for anyone. that leaves me.
hopefully the rest of today will be better than the rest of the week and the new week will be a lot less rough.
word of the moment: exurb
a region or settlement that lies outside a city and usually beyond its suburbs and that often is inhabited chiefly by well-to-do families
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