a really bad place
wednesday, may 9, 2007

things really suck right now. i mean REALLY suck. we haven't managed to pay our rent in full, our account is overdrawn, the kids need meds, i'm about to lose an important domain, and the gas and cable companies are calling for payments.

we just don't have it.

the down side of me going back to work is that we're short money for a bit because saxy has to work shorter days to accommodate the kids. we make it up when i get paid, but i don't get paid until the end of the month. i doubt any of the utilities are going to wait that long. which means, saxy's checks, when he finally gets them, aren't covering what we need. we're so sunk right now, i have no idea how we're getting out of this mess.

i'm trying to see this as the dark before the storm, really i am. we're working on getting away from mcat and the screwy shit he does that keeps us trapped here. the tax return is finally off, so hopefully that will come back soon. kitten and trin are going to put us on their cell phone plan when she gets out here. saxy's found a night job, just has to go to the job "fair" they're holding. him working nights will go a long way to helping us get on our feet because my working won't cut into his hours, the kids needing someone home in the afternoon won't cut into his hours, and a regular paycheck without bounces or delays would be a relief. and, after next year's taxes, no more 1099, self-employed bullshit either. so, yea, we're really hoping he'll get this job. i'm even thinking, if he does, of getting a different job than this subbing crap.

seriously, i hate this job. my first day back at one school was kind of interesting -- everyone seemed happy to see me around again. but today reminded me of why i hate this job. the kids were just crazy and the ap is telling me i need to treat them with more caring because he's never called down to this group that much. teachers later confirmed that like hell he isn't.

you can really tell when the teachers and the ap are on the ball. i mean, REALLY. when the ap is supporting his teachers and helping keep the kids under control, an 8th grade classroom can be okay. still not my favorite grade to teach, but doable and survivable. you can also tell when the ap is siding with kids over the teachers and wanting the teachers to humor the kids. those are the kids that are out of control and walking over people because their actions have no consequences. they are hell to sub for.

so i made the decision today that if i end up in a grade, at any school, where the ap acts like subs are a luxury, where i'm told the problems in the classroom are MY fault, and where i can't get the support i need, i will not sub for that grade in that school again until that ap is gone. i am a SUB. kids who are already hell raisers with their regular teachers are not going to be better with me, they will be worse. and, seriously, telling me to CATER to their attitude is not going to help the situation. if the ap doesn't have the balls to support a sub by removing a troublemaker, then forget it. i don't need the stress, my family doesn't need me coming home in a horrible mood, and i deserve better than that. this county has given me no reason to bend over backward for them, so i'm done with that.

on the up side, the sub coordinator called me and apologized for how my day went and how i was treated. she was afraid they'd lose me entirely, but i told her i just wouldn't take 8th grade from her school any more. she understood why i made that choice. and, honestly, i'm of half a mind to not take 8th grade period. that's when the kids just seem to lose their minds. seriously, nothing is snottier than an 8th grader.

somehow i have to make it with this job to the 23rd. and somehow, we've got to make to the 29th. i'm home tomorrow and need to make the calls to push those due dates as far as i can. i'm not holding my breath. i just hope to god we won't have to use the tax return to bail ourselves out. we need it to get rid of the damn truck from hell. with the truck gone, the cells under trin and kitten's plan, and saxy in a new job, we'll be in a better position to control things a little instead of waiting for the next time mcat screws us up. maybe i'll even be able to look for a new job this summer myself (though that has it's problems if saxy is working nights).

but first, we really need out of this bad place. it's long past time for it, don't you think?

word of the moment: accension

the act of kindlingor setting on fire, or the state of being kindled; inflammation; ignition

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