just a short time ago, i wrote a little entry on my lj trying to explain a whole lot, trying to wrap a lot of emotion in a few words because i had so few words at the time. i figured i was done with it and set to doing my evening tasks, but it's just stayed with me and kept me thinking. which is just the way powerful things should be, just what they should do.
dii amazes me. created out of my own frustration and need, and knowing others had the same frustration and need that i did, it has become so much more than what i expected. its members amaze me more. just consider:
we have a member who is so true to his word that he will not take a leave of absence despite the fact that he has a life threatening condition and a job going haywire. if i ever feel like my own goals for my health are just too much for me to make, i'll have to remember him.
we have a member who feels dii is an integral part of her life -- it's her salvation in a way. and every year she nominates the site for the preditors & editors poll. she would fight me tooth and nail if i ever tried to close it.
we have writers who are getting published, some for the first time, who give dii a large part of the credit for their success.
we have members going through incredible and hard life changes that refuse to resign until it gets easier. we are family to them, and you don't leave family when life is tough. they may not be able to get involved with the extra activities, and they may need to take a leave or two, but they refuse to give dii up.
and there are members who have left but who remember dii fondly. their goals changed, they decided writing wasn't as important as they thought it was, they got into ph.d. programs, their lives took a divergent path. but dii was a part of them and helped them discover more about who they are. some play with the idea of coming back, some will never return, but most have been touched and learned more about themselves and their writing.
dii is doing what it was meant to do and helping members to improve as writers, but it's also doing a lot more, apparently. it is touching their lives in ways i never really imagined it doing, building confidence, helping them grow in ways beyond their writing, and meeting needs even they didn't know it would meet.
most of all, dii and the people in it remind me of why i choose to live without masks. it's touching lives. i'm touching lives. i never expected to touch lives quite like this, but there it is. i may never do anything more than this (and raise my kids), but at least I did this. myself. not some mask i hide behind, but the real me. it validates my choices.
and it makes me cry. there is nothing more amazing than watching another person unfold in some way and knowing you helped that person become more of what they could be. and i don't mean that in an arrogant way. i mean it as an honor, it's humbling, it's...amazing. it's beyond words.
there have been days recently when i wondered what my worth was. today has shown me at least a glimpse of it. my worth is beyond myself, it's in the choices i make that help others grow whether they be my children, friends, or total strangers. and the next time i look at how we struggle to live, look at the failures i made as a parent, wife, student, whatever, i need to remember this. somehow i touched these people in positive ways. something i created touched these people in positive ways.
and there is no greater reason for being.
word of the moment: presentiment
a feeling that something will or is about to happen : premonition