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not again
thursday, december 11, 2008

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i really need to figure out what the hell we did to piss off the universe. i am so tired of not catching a break long enough or big enough to do us any good. i am so tired of coming back to the same old place. i'm just tired of all the b.s.

rumor is (and, yes, i know it's probably not the best thing to believe in rumors, but this one, well this one would be no surprise) that the owner of the place where saxy works now is considering closing up shop. apparently they aren't making ends meet despite the fact that they cheat their drivers. not sure i believe that as the true reason seeing as how the owner also tends to go out of town a lot, but i can see him closing up.

and we'll be screwed yet again -- unemployed in an economy where there are a hell of a lot of more qualified people than either of us also looking for jobs.

i'm so tired of going through this. i really am. but i have no idea how to fix it and i'm frustrated to death by it. how can one family keep having so much bad luck. what do we need to do? stop doing the right things and become criminals? not that either of us could actually go down that road; it just feels like there's nothing left.

i was going to get some work done today. but now i think i'm just going to go to bed. probably a good thing anyway since i've not felt too well over the past few days.

i don't know how to go through this yet again and survive it. i just don't. saxy's job sucks, but it is a job. it pays the bills...sort of. it keeps a roof over our heads and food on our table. i was looking forward to working on getting caught up after the holidays.

and people wonder how i can write and not believe i'll get published. get kicked in the teeth enough and belief ends up being as out of reach as the dreams that once inspired it.

and no, i don't believe that belief will help you get what you want or where you want. if that were the case, i would not be here yet again. apparently hard work and doing the right things don't help much either, so i'm at a loss.

i really hope this is a false rumor, but, like i said, i can see it. it's particularly slow right now -- saxy's barely making his salary. and i know a lot of small companies just don't have the resources to make it through the tough times. hell, a lot of big companies don't have the resources to make to through the tough times, apparently.

but this...i just can't do this. not again. not so soon after the last time. not knowing he'll probably be unemployed even longer than he was last time. not with a baby in the house. just...not again. please.


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word of the moment: albicant

growing or becoming white
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Since July 9, 2000

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