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usual frustrations
saturday, august 16, 2008

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remember in the last entry when i said having overdue utilities is like a watershed? yea, well, this one is flowing a lot faster than expected. we paid bills, i swear we did, and we already have 3 new ones, including a disconnect notice. and the rent check? bounced. we're not even sure what happened there other than the fact that i told him to go an cash the check right then and he deposited said check instead (seriously, he should know to cash the checks we give him by now). so, once again, we're screwed 7 ways to sunday and not even sure how it happened. i can probably push the disconnect, we can wait until we receive a disconnect from one of the bills, but the third has to be paid on time or the situation becomes a whole lot worse. and the rent? not even sure how we're going to fix that. in 2 weeks, we have another month to pay and this month ended up not paid off like planned, so...really, no idea.

here's hoping saxy works next week. he is looking for other work--he's sorted out the problem with the school district, we think, and he's applied to kroger. he plans to try walgreens next. he also has an older app in with walmart. we've even discussed him working evenings at a gas station, despite the fact that the idea makes him uncomfortable. right now he needs a second job, any second job that will still allow him to work for j.e. at the higher wage.

i keep telling myself that we always manage to make it through these messes, but i'm really tired of being in the messes in the first place. really, really.

to add to the usual frustration, there was a big blow up in the editing job. my boss stands behind the decisions i made, but right now my involvement will only make the problems worse. i've handed the project back to the original editor in hopes she can get everything back to some semblance of sanity. on the one hand, the author's snarky attitude has me irritated to no end; on the other, i'm feeling pretty inept at my job right now. i have to keep reminding myself that i've only been editing for about a year (doing crits at my writing group doesn't count) and have been a senior editor for only about 9 months. there's going to be a learning curve here and a lot of growing pains, especially since the press itself is new as well. unfortunately, reminding myself of all that doesn't make me feel any less inept. and when i start feeling like i'm incapable, i start looking at other places in my life where i've failed, and it becomes this nasty spiral that i just can't seem to get back under control.

i'm pretty sure some of the attitude problem for me right now also has to do with the lack of writing. i need to write, need to work on my own projects, or i become miserable cranky and hard to live with. the financial strain, usual or not, doesn't help because it just points out that my "jobs" aren't earning any money yet--not that i can go out and get a regular 9 to 5, not with froggy home at 2:30 and taz at 3 and only one car to use between saxy and i (and we definitely can't take on a second right now). and all that is the usual frustration too, but it doesn't help knowing we've made the best choices we can at the moment. somehow, writing, even though i'm not writing about events in my life, helps with the frustration of it all. maybe because 1) i need to be creative, and 2) i write fantasy which takes me away from the crazy problems of real life, especially my real life. i don't know. i just know that NOT writing has a really detrimental affect on my emotional well-being, which translates to a bitchy attitude.

so, today and tomorrow i'm going to try to ignore the usual, and not so usual, frustrations, and try to work on my own stuff. it's been hit and miss for weeks now. i really need to find a way to keep my writing days even if i fall behind at the editing job. being calmer, being immersed in my own creative process, can only make me a better editor, usual frustrations or not.


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word of the moment: effervescent

giving off bubbles; used of wines and waters; charged naturally or artificially with carbon dioxide; marked by high spirits or excitement
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