things are finally getting to me. i usually do my damnedest to ignore it when things get to me because that leads to depression and i know what road that can end up on. besides, it's just not my nature to dwell on the negatives, usually anyway.

however, i am getting all the signs that i am dwelling regardless of what i want to do. the downside of a mind that thinks about a dozen things at 100 miles an hour: you usually don't have a whole lot of control on which half a dozen things you're thinking about but aren't totally aware you're thinking about because you can only pay to the top half dozen things. (please don't ask for a translation, you won't get one.) i suppose i should have expected it, the pressure right now is enormous and there are no real relief valves in sight for any of it. i don't even have it in me to be positive about the steps being taken to find relief.

bills are piling, creditors are calling, and guess what? even if we wanted to declare bankruptcy we couldn't afford it. hubby has a line on two jobs, both driving, one less than full time and $9/hour, the other full time and $12/jour. you know which one we're rooting for. but i doubt either are going to happen immediately. the one place said it would be a few weeks, the other sounds like a county job - great once you get in it, but you got to actually get in it first. i want to hope, i really do, but the unemployment here is outrageous and the number of available jobs is the worst i've ever seen. a couple of years ago we had 50-100 applicants at k-mart and wal-mart jobs. now we don't have k-mart and wal-mart jobs. no fast food. even telemarketing jobs are on the skids.

then there's the mess with my youngest. somewhere inside i know i'm not that bad of a failure, but i can't help but think i am because i am the one who raised her. monday we take her in to see my son's doctor and see if she needs a change in meds or a supplemental medication. i understand some of this in normal to childhood and the adhd complicates matters, so i honestly hope we can find a solution. next step is counseling for a 10 year old. and that reads an even bigger failure as a parent than anything else.

and not helping: the heat. so, while we wait for the end result of trying to take steps forward and solve these issues, i'm going to sleep. that's all i've been doing the last few days anyway. sleeping.

i'm so damn pathetic.