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friday 08.25.2000
over the edge

so i have slipped and fallen into my deepest darkest depths. this place i don't share with anyone, no one deserves the sludge that comes out of here but me. but i am here...with every failure, every fault, every mistake, magnified 1000 fold and in my face.

i cried in the shower...not sure that's relevant, but that's how bad it gets. i am crying as i type. and all i can think is the darkest thoughts about myself. when i am in this dungeon is the one time i put a face to the world. no one needs the shit that surfaces here, and i am sure no one really cares all that much anyway.

the one fortunate thing, i suppose, is that i have long since locked away the suicidal impulses that would hit me in this state when i was younger. oh, i may caress the box once in awhile, but i never open it and seriously contemplate it. even the key is well hidden from my grasp. even if no one cares, i have too many people who rely on me to take the cowards way out.

it's sickening, this self-pity and anger and bitterness i impose upon myself in this place. perhaps all the failures, all the mistakes, all the faults need to be aired out in the darker moments, but self-pity? that's stupid. but there it is. in this moment, i hate my life, my circumstances, my helplessness.

the only dragons now are those that tear my heart out.

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Since July 9, 2000

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