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sunday 08.27.2000
the upside

i am finally feeling better and getting caught up and energetic again. i still have frustrations, but they do not feel so overwhelming at this point and i am once again finding sunshine in my day. turns out it is probably the best thing that emce didn't spend time here this week. if anyone can make my darker moods seem like picnics in the park, HIS does. had he been over i either would have committed suicide or murder! it was that bad when i talked to him yesterday! pretty damn scary, and the thought of us both being in the same house in that mood just makes me shudder. i know i scared a few friends who had never seen that side of me...and caused concern in others. thank you all, but i am all right. i always make it through...always. some days i wonder how i manage that, but i do.

last night it started to get better, even though my child support check was short by oh...about $300. sometime this week the kids father and i are going to check that out. in the mean time i have to call the electric company and beg them to not turn off my electricity...i get money on the 1st so will make payments then. thank god hud reduced our rent to under $200! i am still trying to figure out how to manage things...i need a job, but no sitter...and my son's schedule. it all keeps going round and round in my head...and making me crazy!

i am getting caught up in my online stuff slowly but surely, tomorrow i start walking again and have the third kid back in school...so things are moving along here at home. i still have a lot to do, my biggest problem is motivation. i have energy (thank god i am no longer sick!) but don't want to do the stuff i NEED to do, so am just twiddling around on the web...surfing some of my favorite places, visiting places i am a member of, posting at message boards and so on. may not be the best use of my time under the circumstances, but it is a much needed ME time.

amongst the most interesting turn of events the last day or two is the flirtatious turn of my friendship with panther. well, it has always been flirtatious to a degree, but it is getting down right naughty of late. not sure i should be glad or sad that he lives in another county. i am very glad he and i are able to talk and email on a regular bases again however. i have missed him. he and i are still completely unsure as to why saxy felt he was such a serious threat as to do everything he could to keep us from even talking to one another in any way, shape, or form. but then, jealousy is irrational, so i suppose when the man is possessive to no end and a jealous fool, NOTHING should be a surprise. it has been a great deal of fun being back in touch with the panther.

part of the reason for that is, i am sure, the fact that i have so few people left in my life after saxy. he made them all uncomfortable...and very aware that i got the third degree for anything. to avoid problems they just sorta drifted away, so now i have very few people left in r.l. that i can call friends and spend time with. a very sad situation for this social creature, let me tell you. saxy pretty much made sure that the net was all i had left. he would say he didn't mean to, that it wasn't on purpose, but regardless that is my situation at the moment. it is making my whole circumstance harder. the first time i divorced i had supportive friends surrounding me. this time i am pretty much going it alone, with a few exceptions. my net friends are being very supportive, of course, but it isn't quite the same as a r.l. friend.

you never know what has been taken until the one who took it is no longer there.

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