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tuesday 08.29.2000
lessons to learn

i am one of those people who is fairly open and honest 99.9% of the time. what you see is what you get, no masks, no games (at least in the terms of manipulative b.s. - i do tease and flirt in a fun way). but along with this openness i believe comes a responsibility to be tactful and to know WHO to tell things. i try not to hurt people's feelings if i can help it. this whole mess with saxy will probably make a few not believe that, but i hate hurting him even though it is necessary for me (in my opinion) to get out of a marriage that is detrimental to me and my kids. nor do i share my every inner thought with EVERYONE. i have to know others before i share things with them that are personal, or at least think i know them. this of course is very normal when you consider the levels of relationships. and i do not often say, "please keep this to yourself". for one, i expect others to know when to keep things to themselves, or at least to show some judgment as to who to share things with. secondly, i don't usually have a problem with people knowing what i said or how i feel.

apparently i have some lessons to learn about all this sharing stuff. not everyone has the judgment to decide who to share something i said with...and who not share it with. not even people i valued as close friends seem to be able to discern when it is wise to pass on what i have said and when not to.

as i am sure you have guessed, something i said got around to someone who really didn't need to hear it, and it hurt this other person. in fact i would say, from recent conversations, that the friend who has done this is doing her damnedest to make sure that saxy and i don't have a whisper of a prayer to resolve our differences. not that we have a chance to reconcile, but he and i would like to make it through this mess called a divorce with some level of friendship left. we have very few mutual friends, but at least a few people are attempting to maintain friendships with us both. this does not bother me, i would certainly be the last to force anyone to choose between us. however, it is my feeling that if someone is to be a friend to both of us, then they would have to use a higher level of discretion as to what to pass on from him to i or vice versa. in this case, it seems our mutual friend is being very discrete when it comes to anything HE says. we never talk about it, and it has been made clear to me that she will not divulge his confidences, not that i expect her to or even WANT her to. however, the reverse apparently does not hold true as he has commented on things that she has told him as coming from me.

now there is a fine line of understanding here i need to make clear. i said what i said, i stand behind what were my feelings at the time when i said them. i have mentioned these feelings to others. what bothers me here is that they were passed on to someone who anyone with common sense would have known would be hurt by them. what bothers me here is a double standard that what he says is held in confidence but what i say is passed on to him without thought or consideration. now add to that a few things that she has said to him, coming from her own beliefs and feelings (which i respect and understand that she is entitled to have) and i wonder if she really IS my friend. for someone who claims she's not taking sides in this particular situation, she is doing a damn good job of doing so.

a lesson to be learned i suppose. i now know of a person who i thought i could talk to is not a person to be confided in at all. this hurts. and some of the things she has said to saxy have hurt me deeply.

for me the hardest part is that i don't have supports right now. saxy did a damn good job of making sure most of my friends evaporated, either because he annoyed them or because they didn't want me to have to deal with the hassle he would give because of our friendship and time spent together as friends. what i am going through, in my mind, is hard enough, and i feel i need the emotional support that my friends provide as i struggle through my own feelings of failure and inadequacy. perhaps it is just impossible for people to not show favoritism in a situation like this. perhaps, despite intentions to the contrary, people can't help but take sides. regardless, what has happened in this particular situation has made it so i feel i have to be more cautious in what i share with our mutual friends. inside i feel betrayed, i feel that they look at the person he has portrayed himself to be and listen to what i have to say and decide that my experiences are figments of my imagination. in the end, there is one less person for me to be able to share with, one less person for em to trust with my thoughts and feelings with. one less person to be counted as a friend. and i think i hate that most of all.

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