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whysper
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friday 08.25.2000
lost


it looks like i am in for a long haul emotionally, which, considering the events of the past 2 months, is not surprising i suppose. it has been a long stressful road with decisions made not because i wanted to make them but because they HAD to be made. and the choices were so limited. and i am sure this thing with emce is not helping at the moment...even the girls are disappointed that he isn't here for his weekend. regardless, today i feel kinda lost...which is one step closer to a depression for me. or maybe it's stepping into it on the edges. it is worse than yesterday and not so bad as it could be.

i have things i had planned to do today, and no motivation to do them. not just all the stuff i do for the two groups i am in, but finishing up a new set that i actually like, working on my personal site, and working on my game. and it all seems so pointless right now. people like my work in dd, but it's not enough to get me a paying job without a car and a reasonable schedule. my site...i dunno...there's so much still to get done it seems too much some days and today is one of those days. and as for my game, why bother? i am currently down to 2 players, and a 3rd who wants to play but would probably get trounced if he walked in the door (saxy hasn't endeared himself to too many people during our married days). one of those two is dr pepper and he's suddenly scarce. not even our usual 10 a.m. phone call the last few days.

in my head i know most of this is probably temporary. but i never was very good at listening to my head. i can listen to logic only if i am really in the mood to hear what logic has to say, and even then it gets ify. and right now i stand on the edge of the abyss, in the borderlands of depression, and logic is making absolutely no impact on my emotional state. darkness is easier to find than the light.

when will it end? i don't know. and even ending may not be the word at first. sometimes these things come upon me and then...i get a few days off and then its back. other times i skim the surface then come up for air and am fine. and other times i just jump in with both feet. oddly enough, that's about the time i get creative enough to write poetry. usually depressing poetry, but also usually my best poetry. it seems my best writing comes from the darkest part of my being. and my emotional state does tend to be mercurial, even when skating the edges of despair. what happens next is not predictable even by me.

for those who even noticed, i have removed the book of the moment and the site of the moment. i doubt many were visiting them anyway, and the book is going to be the same for months...it is 3" thick and i haven't been reading very consistently. i am also considering removing the forum. i don't have that many readers and those few don't visit it so what's the point?

seems to be my mantra at the moment: what's the point?

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