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thursday 08.24.2000
just here

i am just here today. this is the sorta borderline depression place for me. not enthusiastic about anything, not really depressed yet, not really up, not completely down. i am unmotivated. i am thinking about nothing and everything. on my mind at the moment: how am i going to pay some of these bills and feed my family and keep my credit (probably not going to happen), i wish my sweetheart were here, i do too much on the web but don't want to give any of it up, i miss saxy, i wish dominodesigns would DO something. and that's just a small part going through my mind. but i don't really THINK about's...just i am just here. in this state it is really easy to tip me into a black or depressed mood, but not so easy to make me feel ok about things. maybe it's end of the cycle pms or something. or maybe i am bordering on depression. i don't know. i don't analyze too much in this state either.

and for those of you doing the double take, yes i said i miss saxy. i miss the person he was when we met, not the person he became when we married. and i know that person would rear his ugly head again if we got back together, so no worries there. but maybe i don't miss saxy so much as being with someone on a daily bases...not sure. from what he says his friends think he should forget about me, that i made him into the man he became...a few think that me being with a new man is a betrayal of trust. all i know is that before we got married we were happy, and after we got married it became hell. and i can't live in hell even if i love him.

being sick hasn't helped. there's so much for me to catch up on...i am just overwhelmed. that's where the "i do too much on the web" comes from. between net sisters, tsf and dominodesigns, it feels like i am tied to this chair. i enjoy it all...i enjoy creating...i love watching a page grow under my hands. too weird i know...but sometimes i even dream about putting pages together and about html. i live here too much.

night before last i talked for hours with a friend i hadn't seen/heard from in ages. he was on my icq intermittently, when saxy lived here he kept disappearing off my list. he hasn't disappeared since saxy left neither have a few others for that matter. it was nice to flirt and talk with him again though. he was supposed to call on his way to work but i guess he forgot. with him being a graveyard person i don't see him much online these days. i missed him when i didn't see him at all because he kept dropping off my icq list. i still miss him.

i wish emce were here. but then, i think i am worrying that relationship too much. i need to sit back and relax and just enjoy. i shouldn't worry about where this is going. but i do. i am not good at waiting, i am not good at being patient, and i am not good at being alone. we haven't decided we're in a completely committed relationship, and i hate wondering. i hate knowing there are better women out there, thinner, with sparkling personalities and brilliant minds, and able to work, and without kids, and able to offer him a hell of a lot more or be better for him than i. i also hate feeling like there is no one else out there (saxy excepted) that will ever want this tired dysfunctional person, 100 pounds over weight, with 4 kids. yes, i am insecure dammit, and i hate that above all else.

sorry masaka, just couldn't drudge up the happiness is entry. not tonight.

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