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friday, august 15, 2003



i wanted to write another entry about vagner this week since a number of my friends (who have met his typing in msn messenger) think he's so funny, but it's just not going to happen. it's been a bad week. not necessarily eventful until today, but bad. i'd say unpleasant, but that would be an understatement.

last weekend was nice. it was quiet. the kids were with their dad and saxy and i were just able to enjoy the peace and quiet and each other. we didn't do anything really - we can't afford movies or dinner or even a cheap lunch. but we don't often get time to just to be together. the kids are all one different year round schedules, so a kid is almost always home. and now that saxy is looking for work, even when we do get a week or two without one of them, he's out and about as well. he comes home early, but is usually discouraged, depressed, and cranky. so, it was nice to have a low noise, no fighting, unpressured weekend together of just doing what we do, but together.

of course, we didn't expect it to last. the kids always come home crazy anyway and there's no way to keep 4 kids from fighting even if they came home as sane. but neither did we expect to get hell raisers back from a day and a half with their dad. they weren't just crazy, they were out of control. the older kids were back talking us and the younger ones just plain ignored us.

it was too much insanity and i finally asked the girls what the hell goes on at dad's. the answer was 'nothing,' as in no supervision, no discipline, not even knowing what the heck they are doing most of the time. the youngest is "allowed" to run around outside at night just because dad doesn't even bother to pay attention to what the hell is going on, much less try to control them. i know my ex. he more than likely has his nose in a book, or is watching tv, or on the computer. to actually interact with his kids would take a freaking act of god. i've watched his son say, "dad. dad. dad." over and over for 5 or 10 minutes before he finally says anything to him.

obviously i was quite pissed about this. granted, i do not expect the same level of discipline or even the same routines that we have here, but to just let them go loose like that! to expect our 16 year old to watch the kids while he plays all weekend? and if she goes off to see friends, the little ones are left with a father who doesn't even try to pay attention. and let's not even go into the movies he let's them watch. at any rate, yes, i was mad. i mean, beyond mad. i was so pissed i couldn't even articulate how made i was for 2 days. i didn't want to talk to him. i didn't want to talk about the situation at his house. i needed time to cool off, to gain a perspective, and be able to say something without losing it entirely.

trust me, this is NOT a normal thing for me. i usually get the things that are making me angry off my chest immediately so i can move on. i was completely incapable of doing that until wednesday. i finally spoke to him, what good it will do, i don't know.

with that hanging over me, i certainly wasn't writing a happy go lucky vagner entry.

add to that the issues i was personally having with one of my writing communities finally reached the point of intolerable for me and i resigned. no, not dii - that's my baby. no, another place, where i felt pretty much ignored and unwanted most of the time. i decided to leave. it hurt. a lot. i didn't really talk to anyone about it, it just sounded plain bitchy to my ears. but, at the same time, i couldn't ignore how i felt. rather than keep dealing with the frustration, i left.

thursday the heat 105 - 1 oh my freaking god turn down the heat because i am dying 5. the heat made me physically ill and kept me off-line for most the afternoon and evening. i had a heat headache combined with a queasy stomach. i finally went to bed at a semi-reasonable hour. i was too sick and tired to do much of anything. not that i was doing much when i could do anything - i need to rewrite the novel's first 5 pages and it's just not cooperating.

but the real doozey came today. my youngest has always been a bit of a handful. she's adhd with compulsion control problem and a lil miss chatty cathy. these problems seem to have been exponentially worse the last month or so. she takes what she wants without concern for who it belongs, often rendering whatever it is unusable. we have tried grounding. we have tried spanking. we have tried removal of privileges. we have tried her going to bed without dinner. we have tried having her sit at the bottom of the stairs doing nothing for days just to keep her out of people's things. this morning she stole money - at least $5 or $6 off my desk. when she came home with a bag full of candy, she lied about it. i have never had a kid steal money from me. at least, i should say, not to my knowledge. this whole thing has me shaken up. my confidence as a parent is shot to hell. i am at a complete loss.

no, this is definitely not the entry i wanted to right. writing about vagner and his water foibles and his resemblance to a man would have been much more fun.

maybe another time.

site of the moment:
kodaishi

ring/clique of the moment:
voices
word of the moment: acumen

keenness and depth of perception, discernment, or discrimination especially in practical matters


 


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