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give me them all
not my season
thursday, november 11, 2011

as much as thanksgiving and christmas are my two favorite holidays of the year, as far as i'm concerned, the rest of winter can just go away because this is the beginning of the gray days, the days where the persistent lack of sunshine drag me down, depress me, take all my energy and siphon it down some bottomless hole. and, yes, i'm already feeling it. we had some overcast yesterday, some more today, and all i want to do is bury myself under the covers and sleep. knowing where the most of it is coming from doesn't help either. and i can't afford the damn full spectrum bulbs that would help with this problem. one bulb costs anywhere from $4 to $10. it's insane. and i'm not even sure which of the different types of bulbs to buy, which means i can afford it even less. just can't waste that kind of money.

it's weird, but i never noticed problems in cali. the only thing i can think of that made it different is even during the rainy season, we got a lot of sun. or maybe it's that the sun is a little different here. brighter. not sure. all i know is that once the winter starts sinking its teeth in, i start having problems. and it's not that we're living in georgia. i actually love it down here despite the humidity. i love all the green. there are other things i don't like about being down here, but i find the positives outweigh the negatives. i hope when we move to find a place for hub's restaurant, we don't go too far north (definitely not heading south; he already has issues tolerating the humidity). maybe a state or two at most. most the neighboring states are as green as georgia, and don't have the same kind of snow problems as ohio (where i lived as a kid), though that may be changing. it's already getting quite chilly down here in georgia (enough so that i'm already concerned about what our heating bill is going to look like in a month or two; right now i'm telling everyone to bundle up if they're cold). anyway, the point is that i never really associated my lower energy in winter with sad until we moved out here. it just wasn't that bad in cali, and i blamed the incessant rain more than anything (i am so not a rain person). out here, though, it became more apparent something was going on, especially in the months when cali would be all sun and georgia was dealing with hurricane fallout, and the overcast skies would bring on the same lack of energy and motivation and desire to just crawl in bed and never come out. and the feelings have been stronger here. out here, it's been exhausting. add the headaches from the storms moving in and out almost constantly, and it's just a really bad time of year for me.

and i'm bracing for a worse season than usual. not because of it getting cold earlier, but because this year we can't celebrate the two holidays that makes this time of season at least somewhat tolerable. we just can't afford wither thanksgiving or christmas. hell, we're not even sure that we'll manage to cover all the rent yet. probably not. i suspect my son's teachers will send something along for thanksgiving, so we can at least have something of a dinner. but i'm not much of a mind to put up the tree or anything. as pretty as it is, as much as we tie the two holidays together with our faith, it hurts to not be able to do even small gifts and things right now. and i know i say it every year, that we won't be able to celebrate like we'd like, and something makes it possible, but i just don't see it happening this year.

the good news is saxy will be done with classes by then. we should be able to move up from there.

anyway, even when we can celebrate, winter is hard on me emotionally. music helps a little, sometimes. but most days, it's hard to be positive, to get up and do what i need to do. my to do lists end up with less crossed off. i stare at my writing and wonder why i bother. i pretty much struggle with everything. i'm grateful i can function, and i'm thankful i have my two younger kids to help keep me going. i think if they were both out of the house, i wouldn't bother with getting up or even try to do anything, and that would probably make the whole mess worse. one thing i've noticed about the way i get depressed in the past is that it feeds on itself. if i let this sad thing defeat me, if i don't even try to keep going regardless, i could end up in a very, very dark place. i suppose this is one of the good things about me having to fight for just about everything: i refuse to give in or give up (well, except temporarily upon occasion; even i need to catch my breath once in awhile). i just wish i didn't have to fight against myself or the weather.

so, really, i would be happy with skipping winter this year. we practically skipped spring, so i don't see the problem with just blipping over winter. it really isn't my season and i'd rather just not deal with it and all the garbage that comes with it.

but i guess, since it's unlikely to happen that way, i better just brace myself for it and hope it's not going to be anywhere near as bad as it looks like.


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wall or ceiling painted with arches and columns in strong perspective

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