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give me them all
the other shoe
friday, may 13, 2011


i should have known the crap storm wasn't over. really hoping it's over now because i'm not sure we can take much more.

we've been in a precarious position for a long time. the thing we've been hanging onto recently is saxy finishing his degree (and there is some good news on that). to that end, i've been telling the older girls to hold off moving out until the end of the year, when saxy could go full time and make up some of the income we'd be losing (i'm sure you already see where this is going). to be honest, i'd rather they waited until next tax time which is when saxy would have been out of school for awhile, possibly even in a new position that's closer to what he wants and pays more, and we would have, hopefully, caught up some with the utilities and maybe picked up a new laptop with the tax return. yes, i want to see them go out on their own and build their own lives, but i also need to think about everyone left behind, especially their brother, taz. we are no where near stable right now, have no way to make up income except to have saxy quit school, and that make it much harder to do the things he wants to do in the future. we are barely scraping by right now, and any losses will make it that much harder to just survive. as much as the girls do need to move forward with their lives, i'm not a fan of them doing it by putting the rest of their family on the street.

but kitten and the fiancé have decided to move out in august or september. she's not even divorced yet, and they're anxious to be in their own place, no matter how seriously badly that affects her family. and really, no matter how that's going to affect their own finances as well. they think they have everything figured out, and them living together is more important than keeping a roof over our heads.

think that's harsh? this child is taking $650 out of this house. that's ONE THIRD of the total income that's BARELY keeping us afloat. we've lost the cable (and while this isn't important in most households, this is important to my son) already. i have managed to figure out all but $250 of our utility payments and rent for the next few weeks, but that's WITH $200 coming in from kitten. without that $200, we'd lose a utility and not get it back because we'd have to pay the whole mess off, and we're incapable of doing that right now. as long as i finagle the disconnects and have the current level of income, i can pay the past dues. but i have no way to catch up, and losing anything makes it even more unlikely for me to be able to keep paying the past dues.

but her moving in with a man she can't even marry yet is more important than keeping her family with a roof over their head, utilities paid, and food in their mouths for the next 6-8 months.

don't get me wrong, i like big-t. i DON'T like this "we come first" attitude that's going on, but he's otherwise a good guy, and he makes my daughter happy. and this has nothing to do with keeping my kids home or keeping them as my babies or whatever—i actually WANT them all to move out (well, other than my son; i've accepted he's sticking around for awhile). i'm looking forward to the relative peace that will bring into the house. and i can see wanting to cut free of the old folks, especially the folks who seem to have nothing but bad luck. but why is it so important to break free that what happens to the rest of the family doesn't matter?

let me repeat this: ONE THIRD of an income that is BARELY supporting us now is going out the door.

and she wonders why i'm so pissed off by this?

so, yea, i can attempt to find a job after she's moved out. i can come home in pain every damn day because i have physical issues, painful physical issues, that make a job hard for me. but i will do it because my pain is worth keeping my family off the street if that's what i have to do. but that's assuming i can FIND a job that i'm physically capable of doing and that covers the limited hours i can work because guess what? i still have to be home in time for my son. which means the latest i can be at work is 1:30. and then there's the fact that i've been out of work for several years and my last job didn't require me knowing how to use the latest software. plus, i literally have no wardrobe for job hunting, much less for actually working. so, somehow i have to find the funds in our already too tight budget and get some halfway decent clothes just to look for work, and when i do have a job, i have to invest my checks into a wardrobe for the job at a time when i won't be able to.

but her moving out is certainly far more important than any of that.

yea, i'm pissed. and very, very hurt. i didn't raise my kids to be selfish. i didn't raise my kids to give me lip service by telling me that they listen to me while they're doing everything i told them not to do behind my back. i didn't raise them to turn their backs on their family like this. but that's the amazing thing about raising kids: they do every last damn thing you didn't raise them to do. and now days, they do while saying to hell with everyone else because they're more important. she would say that's not true, but that's exactly what her actions are saying: it doesn't matter what the consequences are for everyone else, i'm moving out because that's what i and my love want to do.

all i fucking needed was for her to wait until january, when saxy could work full time. but i guess 6 months is just too damn hard, and no one else matters but herself. if it were just me and saxy, we'd figure it out. but it's not. she's putting her brother, who will never move out and cannot take care of himself, in this position as well. he might as well be helpless, and she's fucking him over, and for me that makes her a selfish bitch right now. she can take care of herself, my son, her BROTHER, can't, and he's going to reap the results of this mess just as surely as we are. if i had need to, i'd protect her; but i don't have a need to. i DO need to protect her brother, and she's taking that away. i can't protect him from this. when we can't pay the rent and end up thrown out, he's going with us. when something gets turned off and can't be turned on, he has to experience it as well. and if anyone doesn't deserve this bullshit, it's my son.

and she doesn't have the same excuse i did for bailing: i'm not a paranoid-schizophrenic who's off her meds. i'm not turning her life upside down with all kinds of craziness like my mother did to me. she wants to be with her man and get on with her life and to hell with everyone else. at the expense of her family.

like i said, i managed to figure out all but $250 of our immediate bills. and saxy has managed to register for next term, but we need to come up with payments before summer term starts or he won't get his schedule and that will screw everything up. no one said how much, but i'm assuming about $150. i might be able to scratch that up. then he can finish up and graduate (though i'm not sure he'd get his actual paper until we got the payments caught up). so, for now, for the next few weeks, we're good.

but i have no idea how to survive with $1800 minimal bills (and that's minus the car, insurance, and food, by the way) and only $1200 in income. none.

and to add the icing on the cake of the past 2 days? i got a rejection today, a harsh one.

if fate was trying to break me, it finally succeeded. we'll figure this out because we have to. like i said, i can't let my son suffer from that other shoe. i just have no idea how to do this.

if she goes through with this, i honestly don't think our relationship will ever be the same. hell, it may already be too late; it may already be lost. this is the kind of betrayal that's broken friendships. i'll always love her, but right now, i'm not liking her too much.

~*~

word of the moment: argosy

a large ship; especially : a large merchant ship; a fleet of ships; a rich supply


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