this is tough
thursday, september 30, 2010


i think this year i've posted less entries than in any other year to date. and it's not that i don't want to write; it's that it's the same old crap these days: no money, skating on thin ice with bills and rent; stress, stress, and more stress. and since everyone else in the world seems to be going through similar issues, why would anyone want to read about it? especially since it seems this has been ALL our lives have been since the day i first started this journal. poverty sucks, and no one really wants to hear about it. so much better to think it helps to send money to africa and poor americans are just lazy. but that's a rant for another day. maybe.

this so was not the plan for my life. or my kids' lives. i don't necessarily want to be wealthy, but making something more than $12k a year would be nice. :P

okay, considering we're still in our home and eating, we probably make closer to $24k, but the fact that it takes all of my kids' child support, my son's ssi, $400 from one daughter, and almost everything the oldest brings in just to scrape from one month to the next...and we couldn't even make it then if it weren't for the oldest girl's school money from her g.i. bill. right now, that's paying our rent. late, mind you, but paying it. if not for kitten's government money and our VERY kind landlord, we'd be homeless ten times over by now.

and, yes, saxy did get the st. regis job, and, no, it's not helping much at the moment. so far it hasn't been anywhere near the 3 days a week they said it would be. the chef he talked to said the busiest part of the year is coming, so we're hanging on, and it's really all saxy has, but it's just been very stressful. saxy is loving the job itself though...at least he did the one time he went in. and he's been getting some positive notice by the head chef, so that's a good thing.

but the financial toll right now is exhausting. and both the older daughters are making plans to move out as soon as possible, which leaves me with some scary thoughts about our future. they need to move on with their lives, really, but right now...i'm just not sure where we'll end up, but it doesn't look good from here.

and i can't even go back to substitute teaching for reasons that don't even involve my son, including my own physical limitations these days (i was starting to have a lot of them before i resigned from subbing 2...3? years ago), not having a car, and needing to take a whole different test to qualify now.

anyway, so, yea, it's been tough, like it has been for everyone, and what more can i say about it? i've been whining about things for years now, probably to the point that i've lost all of my 2 readers. so why burden anyone with more of the same?

so, yea, it's been tough. we'll just go with that.

and next month is tougher...i turn 47.