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i need help
wednesday, march 12, 2008


i can't do this anymore. we're so fucked up right now, i hardly know where to begin. and there's no way to fix it--even if we could get a loan, there's no way we could make the payments, not with our income. not that it matters. no one would give us a loan. our credit is that screwed, our income versus our living expenses is that bad. even if we could go back, moving to cali would not be the answer any more--rents are higher there than here and there's no way we could get on low income housing. besides, cali is more screwed for jobs than georgia. and more screwed when it come to special ed. taz has thrived here and that's the only thing i have to hang onto for now. everything else has gone to hell and just keeps getting worse.

and as much as i blame myself, i blame mcat for this mess as well. when we first discussed us coming out here, i told him what we could probably pay on rent. did he listen? no. i told him we needed a fenced in yard. did he get us a fenced in yard? no. he told saxy he'd give him a job, but that he had to look for something else...then never actually gave him the time to look for something else. saxy tried a few times, but mcat always raised a stink about him not being at work. when we lost our car, mcat offered the truck. i told him we could NOT pay $200, hell even $100/month would be tight. what did he charge us? $200/month. everything i told him we needed, he didn't listen to; everything i told him we couldn't do, he pushed us to do; every time we tried to move on, to find other work, to do what we needed to do, he managed to keep us from doing it. it's not all his fault, but he did a damn good job of making it a lot harder.

and that hasn't stopped. a few months ago, saxy worked for "free" to "pay" mcat for the registration on the truck. did he do it? no. saxy has gotten 2 tickets for driving an unregistered vehicle in the last 2 weeks. but here's the kicker: the truck is getting repoed today. that's right, he hasn't made a truck payment either. as much as we hate the truck and how expensive it is just to gas up, it is the only vehicle we have that's working. we have a car that needs a catalytic converter, also unregistered, and also uninsured. we can't even finish paying that sucker off, much less pay for all the other stuff.

but now we're even more screwed that we were before: no vehicle, we can't make the bills, we have almost no food in the house, and i couldn't get a wage slave job even when we had the truck--what the hell do we do now? the washer has gone out the window, so i'll be doing clothes in the bathtub this weekend (when i have kids to help). my husband's transportation is up in smoke. and soon robbing peter to pay paul will not be enough to keep the utilities connected.

i went to school and got my b.a. so i could get better paying work. in cali, there was no work, not in my field anyway. when we left, they were laying teachers off. we came out here because there were jobs. i tried for 3 fucking years to get on with the district full time and no dice. hell, i only got called 3 times for interviews in that whole time. as much as it would have sucked, i would have been a good teacher. i gave my 100% and then some to the district as a sub; i would have done the same as a ft teacher. people told me to go and get my certificate, to spend another 2 years in school with no guarantee of a job after i was done. i couldn't do that. they were hiring others in my area on the special certificate they give to those who need to go into a program, why the hell couldn't they hire me under the same? i was willing to do it, i looked up programs even, and...nothing. i even made sure there would be a way to have the kids brought to whatever school i was at so saxy wouldn't have to cut short his hours. i was planning, trying to make sure it would all work out, and got nothing to show for it.

and then the cost of the truck for transportation, among other things, made it stupid for me to keep working because we were paying for me to go in. saxy's days were cut short because he had to be home for the kids, the truck cost a lot in gas, food, clothing, supplies--it all added up and ate up every dime i was making "extra". when my oldest went back to virginia, just before going back home to hawaii, there was no way to continue. we had no one to watch taz when he got out of school. in the end, it's supposedly for the best--next year he'll be getting home by 2:30 and having anyone here to watch him would be impossible if we're both working. me not working outside my home may not be doing a whole hell of a lot to keep us afloat, but me working outside the home would be a whole lot worse unless i can find evening, part time work. like that's going to happen with businesses laying people off. would you take some heavyset, old lady with a degree that probably makes her overqualified but a job history that's spotty at best (and rather scattered in terms of focus), or some younger adult who has a pretty steady job background and no degree to take into account when considering pay level? not that my degree means a whole hell of a lot in the pay area any more.

and on top of all this, miss thang is back to bitching about what i never did for her, how i didn't support her, and how i need to admit that i've treated her like shit, this time via email. she forgets that i've told her repeatedly what a beautiful, bright, capable young woman she is and how she just refused to believe anything i said. she came up with excuses. she couldn't control her behavior because it was too hard, she couldn't get good grades because her teachers didn't explain it right, and so on and so forth, and everyone's to blame but herself. because saxy and i wouldn't come home early 2 days a week so she could do after school stuff and follow her dreams, we didn't support her--forget that those 2 days paid for food for the week, forget that she had younger siblings that i was as responsible to make sure were as cared for as she was, forget that she could easily follow her dreams now without risking the rest of her family's well being in the process. could she be a singer? probably--i've heard worse voices that have record deals (and, yes, she does need training, training we could not afford, but training that would help her keep on key and in her range). i'm realistic enough to know she could have the voice of an angel and the biz may never, ever notice her--for every successful artist, actor, sports player, there are 100s who haven't been able to get their foot in the door. am i saying she shouldn't follow her dreams? no. i am saying you have to hope for the best, prepare for the worst, and not be surprised when survival has to take precedence for those around you.

she bitches that we supported her sister in dance, and not her. the fact that things were a hell of a lot easier then than now just escapes her. she's whining about having to make it on her own, trying to make rent; well, baby, welcome to the real world. we gave her opportunity after opportunity to be here where all she had to do was obey the rules. she chose to break them again and again, she chose to turn this house upside down every damn day. she forced a choice. we even tried to let her back in after she had trouble finding a place to live and, guess what? she broke them again. she forced that choice, and acts like i wanted this for her. we tried counseling, we tried behavior/reward charts, we tried everything we could think of except letting her run roughshod over the family (which we could not do even if we wanted to; there are other children to consider), and she still chose to make life miserable. she says she just needs to get this off her chest. she's been getting this crap off her chest for years now, and flinging it at everyone indiscriminately. we're tired of the shit. i have friends who tell me she will understand one day, that this self-centeredness will go away as she gets older. maybe they're right, but, right now, it's just one more thing i don't want to have to deal with. i emailed her and told her that any more emails like that will get deleted unread. i just can't do it anymore. she exhausts me. i wasn't the perfect mom, i wasn't anywhere near the mom i wanted to be, but, you know, i've done the best i could with the circumstances i've been in.

so, now, everything i've done is a failure. i can't keep my family afloat financially and i haven't been able to raise my kids in the way they deserve. i fucking suck at life. we need an infusion of cash that no one has, a cheaper house with insulation to keep the bills down, a fucking working vehicle, and a second, steady paycheck to make it all stick. i need help. i can't do this anymore. i am so angry, frustrated, and depressed these days that i don't even feel like me anymore.it's no wonder i can't finish a novel. and what would be the point anyway--i can't sell my shorts pro (i can barely sell anything at the next to nothing markets), who the hell would be interested in my equally boring novels?

i need help, but i know there's no help out there for us. we're going to keep being screwed until we have nothing left, not even a roof over our heads.


word of the moment: ergomania

excessive devotion to work especially as a symptom of mental disorder; a passion for working, esp. excessive; also called workaholism

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