saturday, december 1, 2007

so, it's not enough for me to resign my job, see my daughter off to virginia, and take on the position of senior editor for a new small press (while resigning another small press). no, i've got to keep piling on the changes. it's like i'm in a race to make as many changes as i can before the end of the year. i mean, seriously, haven't i had enough changes in the last few years? it's just too bad none of them equaled positive changes in the finances. :P

no, i have to make yet another big change. i am attempting to add exercise to my daily routine.

now, anyone who knows me has an inkling of how difficult this is for me. exercise is not a habit i enjoy. it's always been wrapped up in that weighting game we all like to play. and it's generally boring too boot. i kinda liked the weight machines in my college p.e. classes, but that's pretty much it. hated things like the stair step or the stationary bikes. i suspect not going anywhere made them rather pointless somewhere in the back of my head. as for the whole idea of controlling food...yea, right. i managed it well enough in weight watchers before jewel was born, but i've not been able to afford it since, and now couldn't get to a meeting. and, no, the online group things didn't help much when i tried it via the slimfast site. making exercise and food about weight just doesn't work for me.

which has put me in a worse position.

at this point, it's not about weight and it's not about food. it's about health. it's about the damn stairs in my house that i can't climb without being winded...and there are less of them than there were in the cali apartment. it's about the aches in my body and being unable to make thanksgiving dinner without pain and 15 minutes breaks. it's about blood pressure medication that i can't afford. it's about being around for my son, who will need me to be around for a long time. i now that being a big woman, being overweight the way i am, isn't all that healthy, but i also know that i can be a healthier big woman than i am now. and i can't make it about any more than that for the moment because i have to win this time.

this past week was my first week at it. the goal was 3 days with exercise added. i made 3 days with exercises added and lots of thoughts on the new routine and the exercise. because, like, you know these kind of changes just can't be right from the get-go. in this case, i had to modify the schedule a bit to make it work, although i was definitely right that the exercise must happen in the morning or it won't happen. and for next week, i'm just sticking to stretches for awhile---the tai chi just about kills me and only takes about 5 minutes to do so. i need success right now. food is not being made a part of the changes (with the exception of reducing my salt), and weight is not being made a part of the changes right now.

now i will say that i'm recording most of my food choices--not all since i don't want to shame myself into making this about food. but i am trying to heighten my awareness of it for when food does become one of the changes, because one day it will be.

might be awhile with my pathetically out of shape body, though....

now, there are two other rather unintentional changes showing up as well, one kinda eh and the other not so good. the not so good one is my asthma. it's been a dry year our here, and the weather people generally agree that the dry air is making it colder. when i was in cali, my asthma was only triggered by cold, damp air. my asthma has been triggered twice this winter already so i suspect that the air isn't as dry as they think. this is a good thing--damp air can mean rain is on the way and georgia
desperately needs rain. but after years of no asthma symptoms, it's kind of unnerving to get them now. and annoying.

the other change is my late nights. despite needing to be up at 7 to get the kids out the door, my awake hours are really, REALLY trying to turn themselves around. okay, so, since this is going up at 4:30 in the morning, that's kind of "well, duh!". but i'm not trying to make this change precisely because i need to be up so early in the morning. still, i guess it's a change i should have expected. night time has almost always been my awake time and, generally, my creative time. and i tend to drift towards my natural wake cycle whenever i have several days in a row where i don't need to be up at 5 or 6 in the morning. why 7 isn't such a big deal is a mystery to me. now i just have to get off the ps2 to take advantage of the switch. heck, the whole "i'm off the comp so have no motivation to work on anything" thing has got to change. i do too much to not be using at least some of that time for productive writing stuff that doesn't require a computer.

you know, all these upheavals this year really has me hoping that the changes are just about done for awhile. which is not to say there aren't changes i would like to see (finances for the better, storm headaches gone--like that's going to happen), but we need some quality stabilized life.

don't suppose anyone has some for sale? no? guess we'll just have to hope there aren't so many changes next year and that they're all for the better.

with my luck, not holding my breath.

word of the moment: accension

the act of kindlingor setting on fire, or the state of being kindled; inflammation; ignition

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