some time between high school and now i started to seriously play the weighting game. should have known better, i didn't exactly have the figure that men dreamed of. i was once told, shortly after graduation, that if a few friends of mine were to build the perfect dream girl, she'd get my legs and my personality. i suppose that's a compliment, but at that age few women really appreciate having a great personality. it's usually followed by, "but i just don't find myself interested in seeing you again (i.e. yea, we get along ok, but you don't thrill me)." or some such similar sentiment. most of us half heartedly play at the weighting game before that first comment about our appearance, almost all of us play with a vengeance after it. and unfortunately i was no different.

and i am losing...badly.

my first problem was and is and probably always be that when it comes to physical activity, i am just not interested. seriously not interested. i have a rolling chair for my computer table and if i need something from across the room i just kick once on the floor to get going in the right direction and roll. i used to love to swim, but bad beaches and a figure that only gives you great legs are a huge deterrent. besides, i don't live close enough to the beach, for some reason california (at least MY part of california) is lacking in public pools, and i don't have a vehicle to get to either one. so, swimming has been out for years.

but, in my own defense, i am not sure being able to exercise on a daily bases would do me much good. i don't eat all that much most of the time. and while i do tend to eat high calorie foods, i did go through a rather dedicated period of hardly eating at all and exercising for about 2 years. it was called college.

i was out of the house by 7 a.m. and not home till 10 p.m. i had very little money, so got in the habit of not eating breakfast and, if i was lucky, eating a fairly light lunch (maaaybe a sandwich and some milk). i didn't eat dinner until i got home, and it was usually a decent meal (my sitter wouldn't have it any other way...period). i also was forced to take those dreadful phys ed classes. i took body conditioning, three times a week. because i knew i needed it, i took it every quarter, even after my p.e. requirements had been met. add to this the hills and stairs and more hills and the waaaay across campus classrooms, i was working out everyday. one class was down three flights of stairs and across a football field. worse yet, to get to the next class was across the football field, up three flights of stairs, across the hilly campus (at LEAST another football field, although probably more), and up two more flights of stairs.

while at the time the weighting game hadn't been as victorious over me as it is now, it most certainly had points up on me. 4 children do that to a woman. so i still had a bit of trimming to do if i was to beat the weighting game. and with the daily walking and the three times a week workout with weights on a 1200 calorie diet that i would make some headway on the weighting game. i lost 25 pounds. total. over 18 months.

now i understand that when you are losing weight you hit plateaus. i was in weight watchers until i became pregnant with number three. when i could no longer lose weight, paying the $6 a week became rather pointless. but this far surpassed a "plateau". it became a never ending field. for six months i maintained a weight loss of 25 pounds. i tried to lose more, i wanted to lose more. people noticed the loss and complimented me on it. but when i graduated, i still had lost only 25 pounds. i think the weighting game was snickering at me behind my back. it knew what was coming next.

the university was nothing like the college. it was flat. it had elevators. it didn't require p.e. classes. and the weighting game started recapturing what it had lost, and has been creeping up ever since. now, out of the university (i left for health reasons: that 25 pound loss also coincided with me becoming severely anemic), my next choice of career has me sitting in front of a computer most of the day. not only has the weighting game managed to thoroughly trounce me when it comes to my actual weight, i am getting computer bottom.

i want to lose weight some day, i really do. not because i am unhappy with my body, although i would like to see me feet again without having to lean over. not because the social perspective of women is that they should be so thin they could turn sideways, stick out their tongues and resemble zippers (well, at least if you could ignore the one part of their anatomy that is acceptable to be big). and not because anybody is telling me to lose weight. the only person even mentioning that is my doctor and he can just forget his liquid diet. no i want to lose weight for me and my kids. i am at risk for more health problems that can cripple or kill. and i admit it. i am selfish. i want to see what they all become when they grow up.

which is a whole waiting game in and of itself.