the weighting game
some time between high school and now i started to seriously play the weighting
game. should have known better, i didn't exactly have the figure that men dreamed
of. i was once told, shortly after graduation, that if a few friends of mine were
to build the perfect dream girl, she'd get my legs and my personality. i suppose
that's a compliment, but at that age few women really appreciate having a great
personality. it's usually followed by, "but i just don't find myself interested
in seeing you again (i.e. yea, we get along ok, but you don't thrill me)."
or some such similar sentiment. most of us half heartedly play at the weighting
game before that first comment about our appearance, almost all of us play with
a vengeance after it. and unfortunately i was no different.
and i am losing...badly.
my first problem was and is and probably always be that when it comes to physical
activity, i am just not interested. seriously not interested. i have a rolling
chair for my computer table and if i need something from across the room i just
kick once on the floor to get going in the right direction and roll. i used to
love to swim, but bad beaches and a figure that only gives you great legs are
a huge deterrent. besides, i don't live close enough to the beach, for some reason
california (at least MY part of california) is lacking in public pools, and i
don't have a vehicle to get to either one. so, swimming has been out for years.
but, in my own defense, i am not sure being able to exercise on a daily bases
would do me much good. i don't eat all that much most of the time. and while i
do tend to eat high calorie foods, i did go through a rather dedicated period
of hardly eating at all and exercising for about 2 years. it was called college.
i was out of the house by 7 a.m. and not home till 10 p.m. i had very little money,
so got in the habit of not eating breakfast and, if i was lucky, eating a fairly
light lunch (maaaybe a sandwich and some milk). i didn't eat dinner until i got
home, and it was usually a decent meal (my sitter wouldn't have it any other way...period).
i also was forced to take those dreadful phys ed classes. i took body conditioning,
three times a week. because i knew i needed it, i took it every quarter, even
after my p.e. requirements had been met. add to this the hills and stairs and
more hills and the waaaay across campus classrooms, i was working out everyday.
one class was down three flights of stairs and across a football field. worse
yet, to get to the next class was across the football field, up three flights of
stairs, across the hilly campus (at LEAST another football field, although probably
more), and up two more flights of stairs.
while at the time the weighting game hadn't been as victorious over me as it is
now, it most certainly had points up on me. 4 children do that to a woman. so
i still had a bit of trimming to do if i was to beat the weighting game. and with
the daily walking and the three times a week workout with weights on a 1200 calorie
diet that i would make some headway on the weighting game. i lost 25 pounds. total.
over 18 months.
now i understand that when you are losing weight you hit plateaus. i was in weight
watchers until i became pregnant with number three. when i could no longer lose
weight, paying the $6 a week became rather pointless. but this far surpassed a
"plateau". it became a never ending field. for six months i maintained
a weight loss of 25 pounds. i tried to lose more, i wanted to lose more. people
noticed the loss and complimented me on it. but when i graduated, i still had
lost only 25 pounds. i think the weighting game was snickering at me behind my
back. it knew what was coming next.
the university was nothing like the college. it was flat. it had elevators. it
didn't require p.e. classes. and the weighting game started recapturing what it
had lost, and has been creeping up ever since. now, out of the university (i left
for health reasons: that 25 pound loss also coincided with me becoming severely
anemic), my next choice of career has me sitting in front of a computer most of
the day. not only has the weighting game managed to thoroughly trounce me when
it comes to my actual weight, i am getting computer bottom.
i want to lose weight some day, i really do. not because i am unhappy with my
body, although i would like to see me feet again without having to lean over.
not because the social perspective of women is that they should be so thin they
could turn sideways, stick out their tongues and resemble zippers (well, at least
if you could ignore the one part of their anatomy that is acceptable to be big).
and not because anybody is telling me to lose weight. the only person even mentioning
that is my doctor and he can just forget his liquid diet. no i want to lose weight
for me and my kids. i am at risk for more health problems that can cripple or
kill. and i admit it. i am selfish. i want to see what they all become when they
which is a whole waiting game in and of itself.