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thursday 06.29.2000

i don't know what it is tonight. not much has changed in my life. well, to be precise, NOTHING has changed in my life, but i am just . . . out there somewhere. some things have me really down, some things i am really excited about, and others i am just not really sure WHAT to feel. it's placed me in a state almost on the edge of a depression but not quite. i'd say it was my period, but that is over. (i know, far too much information)

what happens, is something not so good will happen and i will begin to rethink just about everything. some things are easy: do i like being in the site fights? yes, i like being in tsf, so i stay as active as i can manage. but other things aren't so easy. i come to conclusions, only to toss them out a day or two later. i make a decision, only to wimp out on it for whatever reason. i have a friend who says that its not that i am a wimp, its that i have a soft and loving heart. i think i just have a good case of fear.

some of the things i have thought about today: the inkwell (good thoughts), being a designer (bad thoughts), my marriage (not sure what kind of thoughts), my kids (all kinds of thoughts). somewhere in there came a friend in crises, a friend i really care about, a credit card, the heat and the swamp cooler. all of this is just life. my life. a life i am not so sure i like but have no idea how to change.

take being a designer. i have pretty much come to the conclusion i won't be. i once again got put off by the one big contract i have even a whisper of hope to be hired for (and his "tone" was that i shouldn't bother him, that he'll get to me when he gets to me - this after telling me they needed the project done quickly). i have sent my resume out 3 or 4 times a day for weeks and get no returns. i actually had a brief flash of hope yesterday when someone ASKED for my resume, but i haven't even gotten a "get lost" back. what it comes down to is i don't have the right skills, don't know the right languages, don't use the right programs, and, most of all, don't have a car. not that a car would help much, i still need to be home for my son and therefore need to telecommute as much as possible. and i don't have the money to get the right skills, languages, programs, or, most especially, a car. that was what this project was going to do for me . . . get me a car. forget it. not happening. this guy just doesn't have the courage to tell me it's not happening.

the inkwell is up and i am quite proud of it. i even made the ink pot myself. my scribes are bright, talented and enthusiastic. i think they are having a hard time adjusting to my style of leadership, but i suppose that is to be expected. the previous leader apparently didn't communicate much after they were trained, just let them drift off in their own worlds of confusion. me, i am a communication type person. i let people know what i expect and then i expect them to do it. and i am expecting a bit more than was expected before. but most of them are picking it right up and getting excited and carried away . . . which is just what we need.

my marriage . . . is difficult to think about. isn't that sad? i love him, but not sure we can keep living with him, but i don't have the security to not live with him. it's making it a mess to think about. he's moody and controlling and i am constantly stepping between him and the kids trying to protect them. i think we'd be wonderful if there weren't kids involved. but even then, it seems he has to "go" somewhere or "do" something, preferably his way. we've finally gotten some things settled between us that make things more comfortable . . . but i miss the man who charmed me. and i feel so stuck. i don't like to change people, i try to accept them as they are. but for the sake of my kids i feel i HAVE to try to change him. and i often feel as if we are almost constantly at odds. i've tried ending it . . . but i just can't seem to say, "it's done, i'm done" and stick with it. when you consider the financial consequences, what is it that keeps me here. yes i love him, but is it fear of the financial devastation that keeps me with a man i am having trouble living with despite love. whoever said "love conquers all" never had a dilemma like this one.

tomorrow is another day. i'll get more busy work done. if i am lucky, i won't be so depressed about other things. life will go on. somewhere inside i know that someday things will change. it's just a matter of when.

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