monday, january 22, 2007

so, i've been trying to figure out how to write about this since friday. i've been pretty depressed most of the weekend (and am still working on that) . . . and very angry. some of the anger is directed at myself for being so stupid as to trust mcat's word after he's broken it time and time again. a lot of the anger is directed at him for being such an idiot. a deaf idiot. i'm sure he feels he's sinking his money into an endless hole, but we're feeling like his "help" is only designed to hold us back. if that were the only problem, this would be an easy entry to write, but there's more, so much more. and i've spent the last 3 days trying to figure out how to write about it all so it makes sense. not sure if i've done that, but i can't just let it sit and fester any more. i've always done better getting shit out, and all i'm doing now is simmering in my misery.

since we moved out here (and we admit it was on his ticket, and we appreciate that, it has done some good in terms of safety and how well taz is doing, even if the financial end of things still sucks), he has barely acknowledged my presence. he's my brother, but you wouldn't know it. we've gone out together as brother and sister twice. i didn't know i had a sister until saxy told me she was staying with him, and i never met her. not once did my brother bother to even try to set up a meeting of any kind. we weren't invited to his wedding. apparently there was more to my father's death than he told me. and now an uncle or cousin or some such has died and he hasn't bothered to tell me about it. i get to hear about it all from my husband. while i realize we hardly know each other, the fact that he treats me like a total stranger rather than family is hurtful. but there's so much more going on here, and we can only blame ourselves for perpetuating it, i suppose. this shit is precisely that, shit, but it's less important in the long run. my family has never been close, and i'm pretty much used to that.

of course, i've not lived even remotely close to any family until now, and i have to admit that i expected something . . . more.

so, the truck. he promised that he would "try" to make it a christmas gift. i made it clear that we couldn't afford even a $200 payment right now. but in true mcat fashion, he apparently didn't hear that. or didn't care. or forgot. or who fucking cares what happened since this shit has been going on since the day we moved here. we've told him time and time again that if he wants to talk finances, he talks to me, not saxy. saxy deals with the rent for me, i do the rest. period. and time and time again, he goes to saxy about it. anyway, saxy was finally getting a really good check, and we were going to take care of a lot with it. mcat, though, had other plans. apparently he didn't or couldn't try hard enough on the truck -- this whole "we'll try to make ti a christmas gift" thing lasted a month and, as far as we can tell, was so he could take off for the holidays and have someone around who could take care of his cats. he discussed us making a payment on the truck with saxy a few weeks ago, but saxy hadn't gotten to me because he knew i would be pissed and he wanted to find the right time (how do you find the right time to reveal yet another lie?). mcat didn't wait for saxy to get back to him on it, he just took the $200 out of saxy's check. everything we had planned fell apart. the bills we were going to pay have been pushed back yet again, the rent was going to be paid off and we once gain had to make a partial payment.

the truck needs to go back to my "brother" as soon as possible. tax time, we buy a new car and shove his truck back up his ass. saxy is going to be looking for another job -- a second job, because we just can't seem to get out of this mess with the work we have.

this whole weekend, i couldn't help but kick myself for trusting the man who is supposedly my brother. we suspected he'd pull this shit again, but we let ourselves get suckered by him once more. and i've been depressed because it doesn't matter what we do, we always seem back here. not enough money to do what we need to do, no matter what we do to try to fix it. saxy worked his butt off for that check, because he knew we needed the money. he told mcat that we needed the money so he was working as many extra hours as he could manage. and still we get kicked in the ass.

and i can't help to wonder what's wrong with me, what's wrong with my family, that we can't do all the "right" things and get on top of it all. why do we always get kicked back down? what is wrong with us that we don't deserve something better? this time it was my brother's interference, but it's always something, you know? and i am sooo sick of it. i'm sick of being in this same place. i don't even care what the reason is that we can't do better. the point is we aren't, no matter what we do, we're always in this same place.

what's worse, is we figured out that my job doesn't even matter. saxy can earn all the money he and i earn together. my job is pointless. but here's the kicker: mcat has told saxy outright that if i stop working, he stops helping -- which makes no sense since he's also asked saxy if we've discussed him going full time and the only way saxy can do that is if i'm NOT working (someone has to take care of taz, period, but mcat doesn't seem to get this at all; it's just another thing i've told him repeatedly that he's refused to remember as important). granted, there's a lot of good in that statement, but does that mean saxy's out of a job? right now, that's the only help we absolutely must keep (and the goddamn truck until we can buy a new car). and it's pointless for me to work. hell, it COSTS us for me to work. it costs in gas, food, clothes, even in time. saxy's job has risked problems with the kids in the past -- pick ups when froggy was at another school and, more recently, someone being home for taz (saxy almost didn't make it back in time on friday). right now, the only "advantage" to me continuing to work is the possibility of a full time, permanent position (and we've all seen how that is working out) and insurance (which only comes with the ft/p position), and, possibly, taxes (but most of what comes back to us in taxes seems to be from having the kids since even with only 3 exemptions, not much was taken out of my checks). me being home would be best for my son, for our paycheck, and for my writing.

and all this bullshit has sucked me into that "i can't do anything, so what's the point?" depression. with crap like this happening in publishing, how can i even hope to get published? for whatever reason, i can't even get fucking hired, no matter how good a job i do, no matter how long i've been working in the district. even my journal layout sucks because it doesn't work in i.e. (a browser i can't stand anyway, so why should i care? still, can anyone tell me how to fix it? that big gap at the bottom isn't supposed to exist and doesn't exist in firefox or opera. really, i.e. is so damn retarded.). it's one of those spirals that are so hard to control. so hard to come out of. i'm working on it, really, but nothing i do looks any good right now, nothing i do has any point to it, so it's a hard place to be right now. the good news is that we've decided that it is pointless for me to be working. i'm keeping my current bookings, but some time in march i'll stop taking new ones. and i'll admit, i'd much rather be an at home mom, but i would much rather have this had been a decision we made together because we chose to make it than to be pushed into it because saxy needs to be able to work 2 jobs and doesn't need to worry about whether he can get home in time for the kids.

the bottom line of most of this is that my brother, and all his help, is toxic. we've got to get out of this mess, got to get to the point where saxy can move on to a job that has nothing to do with him, need to be able to pay him off as much money as we can (so, i REALLY need to concentrate on getting a good book written and sold, even if i feel the industry has just become rather hopeless -- and once i do sell a book, it looks like my personal reward of a laptop has been tanked because of all this and the need to get away from him), and tell him to stay the fuck out of our lives. saxy says that the others he has worked with have noticed the same trend with mcat: things will start getting good for someone and somehow he will manage to torpedo it. he's a poison. he lies, he manipulates, he plays bullshit games, he gets you dependent on him and then does what he can to keep you that way. i don't know, and i honestly don't fucking care, if he does this on purpose or if it's just some subconscious demon he has, but we came out here for a better life. it's weird; mcat told me when i came out here that our father "warned him" about me, and it looks like i should have received the warning about him. he really makes me glad i wasn't raised by our father (well, his father, my step/adoptive father).

but that all may be one of his toxic lies too.

i'm working on feeling better. i'm already looking at how to schedule my days at home and trying to get myself back into the at home mommy mentality. it's been a long time since i was the sole homemaker. and that, honestly, doesn't bother me much. as for the rest, i'll deal with it somehow. once we have our own car, we can get that $200 a month back and hopefully we'll be on our way to a toxic free life, although maybe i shouldn't hope so much. it never seems to work out the way i hope for, but that's all i got going for us right now.

taxes first, then car. then . . . we'll see.

word of the moment: feria

(in Spanish speaking regions) a local festival or fair, usually in honor of some patron saint; a weekday on which no festival or holiday is celebrated, particularly in the roman catholic church; a surname

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