sunday, january 22, 2006

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"Bridge of Wings -
Where He Waits"

Pui-Mun Law

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well, this sucks. we're so deep in the hole right now i can't even write a check anywhere. yes, this is my fault - our fault - but that doesn't make it suck any less. and i'm getting so tired of telling myself it will get better, i've been saying it for years and for every step forward, i can show you how it didn't really make things better at all. so we're both employed right now, so what? we're still struggling to get by because we still can't cover our (now significantly higher) living expenses. and i've got the added negative of not being able to spend as much time with my family or writing.

i'm not really depressed, just frustrated as hell. i want us to move forward, not just look like we're moving forward when all we're doing is spinning our wheels in the same place. i want to be able to have a real christmas and not have it practically put us out on the street a month or two later. hell, i want to be able to get a hair cut and buy clothes without worrying if the check will bounce. i have enough hate mail on my desk, i really don't need any more, thank you very much.

the truth of it all is we have money issues. we try to be very good for several months, but then comes the need to do something frivolous for ourselves. we do that, just once, and the balance we've so carefully created falls apart. i know we need control, probably even more so now than we did in cali, but i'm tired of it. i know we'll always need some kind of control, doesn't everybody who doesn't make a million a year? but, i'd like there to be less of a fine edge between having a little fun for ourselves vs. financial disaster. i'm even getting to the point where i hate seeing commercials for cars and vacations on tv because we can't even hope for them. and it's looking like we never will. i can't even afford christmas without it putting us under for months afterwards!

was christmas worth it? yes. but i don't have to like the price we're paying for it. next christmas we may not be so lucky to have kitten with us - an overseas post looks to be inevitable for her, so, yea, i'd do it again even if i knew this was going to be the end result. but i'm sick of this constant fight just to make it. i'm tired of stressing out over money, of trying to decide which utility to pay and which ones to beg for more time. i'm tired of bouncing checks just to freaking eat, forget getting me the clothes i need for work or that the kids need because they're growing, or whatever. this time is so bad that even medication is being let go. we can't even afford the $15 co-pay. how sick is that?

yea, i know, it will get better eventually. supposedly a job is out there somewhere for me, right? the governor is talking reducing class sizes and it sounds like his whole educational package is going to pass, at least until the whole election year is over. after that we'll have to see if any of it is kept. saxy's looking for another job. supposedly something should break for us, right? yea, supposedly. i can't seem to convince myself of it this time. i'm just too tired of saying the same old things. said them for years in cali, and now i'm still saying them out here. it sucks. and i can't see it ending any time soon, no matter what i say or do to try to convince myself. that's pretty much it, you know?

yea, yea, some how we'll make it through. we always do. hopefully it will be without getting arrested.

in not so sucky news, this week is my last 3 days in the high school classroom. while this dumps $10 off my paycheck, i think we're all looking forward to me being more available for the family. see, working cuts into family and writing time, yes, but not like working a job where i'm having to research all the material for the lesson plans, make the lesson plans, grade the homework, so on and so forth. taz has been acting out, it looks like froggy's been acting out as well. saxy is doing okay, but i can tell he'd really like some undivided attention. and jewel, well, i think even she's frustrated with my lack of time, though she shows it less than the other kids.

as for me, i'm exhausted. i've never been much of a morning person and getting up every day at 5 a.m. is really getting to me. i'm exhausted all the time, even when i get enough sleep. with middle schools i don't get up until 6:15 and that extra hour seems to make a difference even if i get the same amount of sleep. i can even get by on less sleep, though not on a consistent basis. it just has to do with my natural rhythm. high school is well out of it. middle school isn't exactly inside the parameters i'd like, but it's tolerable as long as i rest on weekends.

anyway, the grading is about done, thank god. tomorrow i get one last assignment to grade, a fun one! then we spend the last 2 days reading and discussing a few other poems and poetic forms and making sure they have time to work a little on their projects (which the returning teacher will be grading), and it's done. amazingly enough, a few students will miss me. i'm just glad that it's almost over and that i'm getting some good references out of it.

which reminds me, time to update the resume. a couple of teachers i've worked with and for at the middle school level have agreed to be references for me. one is the teacher i long termed for at the beginning of the school year. she knows how well i lesson plan and so on. the others were her teammates. so i need to replace the old references who are no longer at whatever addresses i had listed on my resume and replace them with people who know the quality of my work. and that doesn't suck at all.

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Since July 9, 2000

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