some days
friday, december 22, 2006

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some days i just suck at this parenting thing. i'd like to say that the job interferes, or that my brain just isn't wired right, or something, but it all comes down to my responsibilities. taz is out of a medication he needs and that, if he goes off of it, he should be weaned off rather than crash coursed. and it's my fault for not making the right appointments at the right time to make sure he has what he needs.

work is partly to blame. if i didn't have a job that required me to bring it home so i could grade, research, and plan the next day/week/whatever, i might actually be more coherent around the house. and taz isn't the only one to suffer from work -- i have yet to schedule or get into a mammogramthat has now been ordered by my doctor twice. i just haven't had the time. some of my meds that i need have run out too, though that was also partly due to transportation issues. the place we go to get checked and get things filled is a bit far to walk. i'd be going to get the heart meds and have a heart attack on the way.

truth is that i'm a flake. some days it's amazing i get anything done. it's amazing i can remember anything from one day to the next, much less maintain the energy and motivation to actually do what i remember. granted, some of this is the very definition of adhd, but i don't think that's much of an excuse. i'm a mother, for god's sake. my kids need me to be more than i have been. they need me to remember important things like their meds. i mourn my "days of memory" -- the days before the anemia when i had a great memory despite the adhd we didn't know i had. i miss having a management plan that worked despite not taking drugs for it.

and, before anyone emails and asks, no, i'm not depressed. today's been a good day, for the most part. cookies are being baked, the presents we didn't think we'd have are wrapped and under the tree (minus the ribbons for ororo's safety -- we might try the wider ribbon next year and see if she leaves that alone, but the string ribbon is definitely a no no), we've got money in the bank to handle rent and utilities and our house guests that will be with us for about a week. things are good. i did wake up with a migraine, but that settled down by mid-afternoon and i haven't had the usual tired response i get to them. life seems to have settled for at least today -- the roller coaster is . . . coasting rather than rolling, for once.

no, this comes from seeing how my son reacts to not having his meds, from worrying about how tired he is, from seeing the empty bottle and knowing it's MY fault he's not with it today and that i may not be able to get this fixed as quickly as he needs.

some days i suck as a parent, and that's all there is to it.

on a completely different track (and total proof that i'm not taking my adhd meds, among others), i was making cookies on the 22nd of last december too. i notice that it says something about a shortbread recipe and, for the life of me, have no idea where it is or what it was or anything. it must have run off with the minestrone soup recipe.

no wonder my parenting leaves something to be desired. i can't stay on track even when there's no job mess to get in the way.


word of the moment: picaresque

belonging to or characteristic of a type of prose fiction that features the adventures of a roguish hero and usually has a simple plot divided into separate episodes; relating to or characteristic of rogues or scoundrels; picaresque fiction - prose fiction featuring the adventures of a roguish hero

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