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friday 12.22.2000
on writing

i write a lot. seems i always HAVE written a lot. it all started when i was a kid with poetry and short stories. i am not eve sure how old i was when i first wrote my first poem really. around 13, maybe a bit younger. i wrote silly things at the time. most of them were experiments in rhyme or written just to write. it wasn't until much later that i began to write from the heart. and it wasn't until even later that my poetry became dark, spurred by blacker emotions. most of my more lighthearted poems are just fluff, and pretty much sound like just fluff. but my dark poems, the ones from the heart that hurts, that cries out for understanding, that is in the throes of deep depression, most of them are powerful. it has now gotten to the point that i don't write poetry except when distressed or depressed. nothing else sounds right. since i am seldom in a place dark enough for me to want to express my emotions in poetry, my poetry isn't updated very often any more. i just can't write the lighthearted stuff believably, so i rarely try any more.

short stories were a short lived attempt for me. i think they started right around the same time as i started writing poetry, and stopped a year or two later. i still have some of them and am eventually planning to post them in eloquence. but they are ages old. i would have to say that they are not that impressive. perhaps they were for the age i was at the time, but over all they really need help. they tended towards bizarre story lines and never sounded complete. even then i was a fan of science fiction/fantasy, so that is what i wrote. in the end, the only story that truly has some emotional impact or appeal is a ghost story. i think one of the reasons i stopped writing short stories is because they are short. i always have more to say. i am the one in class always asking, "how many pages? can we write more if we want?" and, yes, i do write more. sometimes a lot more than the professor was expecting, but always more.

later i began writing ad&d adventures and campaigns. it falls under creative writing, although you can't quite call it a story. you set up the scene, describe it, set up events, describe them, but you let the characters react to the scene as they see fit. you write the outline, the characters write the story. so while the gm may be called a storyteller by many, it is the characters who fill it out the details. even so, i must have been a good storyteller. many of my players have wanted to return to my games in the past if they were available to do so. that eventually stopped when i ran shadowrun for about 4 years and got burned out on it and needed a break from being the gm. it will start again in january when i run my great campaign again, for the 4th time. the good news is that i am looking forward to it. the bad news is that i am not quite ready. i have been so busy with my website and online groups and other things that it has taken a low priority of late. guess that better change and soon!

after i started gaming, i began the "great american novel". i never got past chapter 10. now i have resurrected it for vision of mind. now the problem is remembering what happened or what i had planned to happen for the story. but the biggest challenge is to rewrite each chapter on time. so far so good, but i have been reconsidering the whole visions concept. i don't have many subscribers and the section itself doesn't get too many visitors. part of this is my fault. i haven't written the meta tags or submitted it to search engines yet. but i think too the fact that i am an unknown writer sis against me. i also don't feel as confident of my writing as the friends who have subscribed. but i am going to give it a little longer and we'll see what happens.

so even when writing is not assigned (as in school), it is a big part of my life. it seems to come naturally to me. my husband and i even write to each other, sharing ourselves with each other in beloved mine. it just seems the best way to express myself. i can think about what i am trying to say, reword it to make it more clear, and generally have more control over it. not saying i don't have control over what i say, i do, most of the time anyway. but in writing, you can look at it and fix it before it is read. however, writing lacks the emotional and tonal qualities of speech. it's hard to tell when someone is teasing. it is easier to take offense at what is written, especially when you can't see the writer's face. but writing lasts. writing waits to be discovered.

why have i been writing for so long? why is it such a big part of my life? many i know write html and maybe a letter or sign a card. otherwise they avoid writing. why is it such a part of my life? to be honest, i am not completely sure. i love writing, but it is more than that. i have a friend who writes all the time. i don't write near that much, although with as many pages as i update that involve writing you'd think i'd be writing more than i do. writing is a way for me to express myself, but it also causes much dissension as people read more into what i write than what is really there. writing is a part of me. it is a habit, i enjoy it. i don't think i could ever be without it. for me, writing goes hand in hand with reading, especially since all the analyses classes at the university. i can't say why writing hasn't faded from my life like many other activities that i love like drama, sketching, swimming and many other activities. i can't even say completely why it is such a huge part of my life. all i know for sure is that i hope to be writing for a very long time. like gaming, or having nothing to do, not writing would eventually make me irritable and unhappy.

and i suppose that is reason enough to keep writing.

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