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friday, june 23, 2006

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"Bridge of Wings -
Where He Waits"

Pui-Mun Law

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© Davide Guglielmo

so, the job faire was a waste. well, maybe not 100% of a waste. apparently the district dumps applicants from previous job fairs out of their database when a new one comes up, so to remain in the database you should at least show up and submit a resume. but the county had poor representation (only 2 middle school principles, 1 of which i had seen before) and, unlike many other counties involved, didn't hold any interviews. the principle i spoke to was one i have seen at least 3 times now, and this time he told me he has no language arts openings. the last time i spoke to him, he did, and he was going to call me. he never did.

which leads me to wonder if there's something really wrong with me here. i'm supposedly all set to go and hirable, but no one wants to hire me. no one even bothers to call for an interview -- not even the schools i know have l.a. openings. so, what's wrong with me? is there something i need on my resume but don't have? am i personally repugnant or something?

yes, i am really frustrated. honestly, if mcat would pay saxy enough to make up the $1200, i'd quit and just go back to what i want to be doing: writing. i still write, but the work thing has my habits and schedules all screwed up, so i'm not as consistent. and that's frustrating too, especially since writing is the lifeline of my sanity. really, i'm doing all i can. i looked into another county, but the prospect of going through this app process all over again is just too daunting, and then there's the transportation. any other job wouldn't work with our scheduling needs either. so, all i can do is keep subbing and wait for someone to decide i deserve a break.

then there's jewel. turns out she's been taking things. saxy found 2 of his missing cd's in her room, and some of his treats for his lunches have come up missing again. she's now been told that the next time she takes something, she is out of here regardless. i will not have a little thief in our house on top of everything else. saxy went through her room to make sure she didn't have anything else that didn't belong to her and found one of taz's cd's, but that was about it.

really, i don't know where i went wrong here. it's like she's taken everything i've tried to teach her, tossed it, and has gone the opposite way. one friend commented that it's like she's been spoiled -- but we haven't spoiled her! we couldn't even if we wanted to! even her older sister, kitten, has had it with her. kitten acknowledges we've had problems with her, but she was never so disrespectful, never acted like she didn't care about us. at this point, all i can hope for is that jewel will learn her lessons in the real world without coming to serious harm.

in the good news department, the loan place got the consolidation request. i'm so relieved that got in there in time. now, here's hoping it gets approved.i'm worried the fact that we can't make payments on saxy's loan while we wait is going to cause a problem, but the fact that they wouldn't give him another forbearance is what pushed us to this anyway. if the consolidation comes through, i'm seriously considering going back to school, just not sure if it'll be for my masters or my teaching certificate. doing the masters now, while i can, makes sense. as a sub, i can take the weeks off as needed to go to the on campus portions of the degree. while the certificate would push me forward job wise, it would close the doors to that masters for awhile. so, i dunno. we'll see.

i've also put something back online that's been off-line for a few years: eloquence. i'll be moving some of my collaboration stuff from the now off-line ink into it, but, more than likely, it will rarely be updated. still, after the huge trim i've already done (with fan listings being removed the end of this month), it was nice to actually put something up. and eloquence fits with the new focus anyway.

and thank god today is pay day all around! our unplanned trip to see kitten before she left georgia really put us in the hole, despite the fact that she paid for a great deal of our visit. today saxy gets paid and, supposedly, the child support comes in as well. one will clear the overdraft mess, the other will pay one of our bills and feed us. wish it could pay more than the one bill, but, right now, we're just paying anything that will be shut off and doing our best to keep afloat. summers suck financially for us, and will until i get something more ft/p and can work summer school. thank god mcat offered to pay our rent for enxt month -- there's no way we could do it on our own right now. saxy's hours haven't made up for the loss of my paycheck yet. today we get child support and a paycheck, next week i get my last check for the 2005-2006 year, such as it is, and soon after that we get to finish the utilities clean up with taz's ssi check.

it's been a scrounge as you can week, and i'm tired of it. i want something good. the kids, however, may not have minded so much, though. instead of cereal or toast today, they got a scrambled egg and mini bagel for breakfast. since we didn't have milk, they got hot chocolate. a treat for them, actually, so something they may not mind have happening more often. as for me, i'm seriously thinking about ordering chinese food or something when the money's all in today.

i know, bad domy. :P

life could be a lot better, sure, but it also could be a whole lot worse. as always, we'll make it. eventually. it just gets tiresome being in the constant struggle. i wanted to give my kids so much more than this, but maybe they'll turn out better for it. most of them anyway. one day at a time, you know? just gotta keep the focus on making today the best it can be, even when the kids are being little monsters (which taz seems to be real good at lately).

for now, it's time to light one of my vanilla candles and pull out something to crit or write.

word of the moment: creativity

imaginative ability: the ability to use the imagination to develop new and original ideas or things, especially in an artistic context

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