tired meanderings
wednesday, june 21, 2006

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"Bridge of Wings -
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yesterday i was hit with a migraine that just would not go away, so today, even though the migraine has faded, i'm still not up to par -- i have that foggy day after thing going on. got nothing done yesterday, and probably will get next to nothing done today. as long as i'm okay for tomorrow's job fair. i did try to get a few things done yesterday, not with any success though. i didn't even get to nap like i wanted and needed to. i did get to bed early -- i think i passed out somewhere around 10 or 11 pm instead of my usual 2 or 3 am.

interestingly, in the things i took to my bed for me to work with i found a whysper entry from last year, hand written, that had never made it to the site for some reason. february must have been a busy month. i probably write the thing at school and things came up when i got home and it just got forgotten. i haven't decided if i'm going to put it up yet. probably will, but not today.

jewel also got herself in even deeper. she was supposed to be home at 7:30 am so we could take care of a check of hers. she didn't show. she didn't even call until around noon. i told her i needed her to come home and why -- that i had one of my nastier migraines and needed her to watch the kids. she didn't show until 8:30 pm. so much for caring about her mother, i guess. because she didn't come home when asked, i didn't get the rest i much needed.

and then she has the nerve to tell me later that i have to pick her up from work tonight? bad, bad, bad idea.

she essentially got told that i don't have to do anything for her at this point. if she calls tonight and asks for a ride, i might go ahead and pick her up, but she better wait till tonight to ask, because asking last night after this huge display of selfishness will get her the wrong answer. the kid just doesn't get it. she still thinks she had the right to everything she asks for. i'm so tired of it, that i've told her she better figure out how to get things together in the next 10 months -- she's out of here when she turns 18. i don't need this, and she apparently needs a good dose of real life without the safety net.

she hasn't even done any of the housework we discussed her doing to help pay off what she owes. considering her level of reliability, i'm ready to take the job away from her, as well as the baby-sitting we have lined up with her, and just let her flounder on her own. (i can also see her going to dad and begging for the money to get out of the hole she's in financially.) i don't think she's quite so far over the edge, but saxy's concerned she wouldn't even stay with the kids if we have her watch them. i've asked for a list of friends who wouldn't mind earning some extra money doing sitting, but she hasn't gotten it to me yet. and, honestly, i don't know if she will without several reminders. she seems pretty determined to make things as difficult as possible, for both us and herself.

in the good news department, i did get a call, finally, from human resources and they verified that i do indeed still qualify for employment out here. application complete and schools do their own hiring, so, i will assume that i also qualify for the job fair tomorrow. saxy's already made plans to take the day off, drive me down and pick me up, and to stay with the kids in between. this isn't the best option, considering his hours haven't gone up at all and we're drowning, but the hope is that i will get employed. and mcat is making a few changes to try to bring his hours up. so, i'll freshen up the resume and he'll take the loss of a day, and we'll all hope ft/p employment is the result. since our county isn't the only one that's going to be there and a couple of the other counties are even more desperate than ours, i might check out a couple of our neighbors while i'm there as well. need to talk to saxy about that and see if any of them are at all feasible for us.

in a way i feel kinda badly for some of these principles. they've seen my resume so many times, they may know it by heart by now. and i really don't have much to add to it to make it new and different. i will be taking my portfolio, which has a few things from my last long term (which i'm not sure about adding since it wasn't that long -- not even a month; i guess i will -- people seemed pretty impressed with my ability despite a few mishaps).

financially we're in a big mess, which is expected, actually. but i have 2 major bills that need to be paid this week and i'm not really holding my breath on them. i think i can delay most the utilities to the end of the month and pay them out of the child support and taz's money, and i think i'm getting a final $400 check sometime next week too. but i don't know if i can actually save everything. one of the things at risk is our internet. saxy says if we lose it via the phone, we should go through our cable company. but even if i save that, with how far we're overdrawn right now, i'm not too sure i can save the auto insurance. i'm so tired of this constant juggle and the bad timing.

well, i better get me and my head back to bed. it's been threatening another minor explosion for most of this entry. i gotta be in good shape tomorrow -- and it doesn't look like the kids are going to help much. eating might help too, since i've been up since 6:30 and haven't eaten (it's now 9).

i'm planning to do some quiet activities like read, revise a chapter or something, maybe some writing. i think i'll watch advent children again too, and let taz watch -- if only to keep him settled and out of everyone's hair.

there's quite a bit more crowding in my head for this entry, none of it connected in any way, but i think that's enough meandering for now. life looks depressing, or at least heavily weighted on the depressing side, but things are okay. i just need some rest. and a job. and my meds. those just might help me meander a little less.

word of the moment: sentient

conscious, capable of feeling and perception, responding with feeling, capable of responding emotionally rather than intellectually

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