too far gone
friday, may 19, 2006

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i am wiped out. i've got almost nothing left to give anyone. even if i was given the time to write right now, it wouldn't happen, i'm just too far gone. i mean, i just woke up after falling asleep at 10:30. this is a good thing, really, since i needed a shower and to print some stuff out and get my cell on the charger, but it shows how wiped out i really am -- i usually literally can not fall asleep before midnight or 1 a.m.

the "long term" position is still a day by day thing, which is driving me freaking crazy, but i figure that means i'll be working through to the last day of school but not on the 2 clean up days. fine by me. this teacher's room has been one of the worst i've seen in terms of disorganization. it really is no wonder kids are complaining they've done something but it's not on the grade book. she has their work, graded and ungraded, literally stuffed everywhere. she has no keys that i can locate for a lot of it, and no indication of how she graded the stuff she did grade. it's a disaster. the people inputting the grades into the computer system for me are asking me to look for certain assignments and it's almost an impossible task. i just went through the one stack i had left today and found a few things, but there's still stuff in her file cabinets, just shoved in there without dates, without titles, without any indication of anything other than they belong to the student whose name is on it (if it is) and that it has a grade (if it does).

and it honestly doesn't help that my plans for the last few days got derailed. tomorrow's science group isn't coming in because the other teacher on the team is doing a class celebration. i can't do that -- my kids get to help clean up. this is a good thing, actually, since it means if i'm not going to be there helping with the end of the year moving and cleaning, at least something will be packed and shelves cleaned out -- assuming i remember to look at the boxes stored in our garage before we leave tomorrow morning and take a few with me for the packing process. tuesday and wednesday we're keeping our homeroom kids all day, but we can't have parties and we can't play movies. what's a poor sub to do?

i'll probably do a movie any way. but it's tough for me to keep the lid on this particular group of kids if i'm getting all the scheduling and stuff last minute. i think maybe a handful of kids will get the goodie bags in each group, which is a good thing since i ran out of money a long while ago and still haven't bought the damn goodies.

then there's jewel. tuesday it looked like she might have realized this was all a bad situation and to do her part to get it back together here. we gave her the option of being a part of the family again, but told her the same rules applied as before, that she still would be on restriction because of the grades, and so on. she wanted to think about it . . . long enough to use our phone so she could go out with friends until 11:30 at night. she called at one point to "ask permission" to go do something, and i asked her why she bothered. i mean, it's not like she would have listened if i said no, she was already out against her restrictions if she was going to go back to being "just" a 17 year old, and it was pretty clear what her decision was. when i said that she said she still hadn't decided and i let her know this wasn't an at her convenience thing and hung up.

i don't know if that was a deliberate manipulation on her part or not, and i don't particularly care. i felt used and i'm still pissed about the whole mess. everything's still so raw for us, we're having a hard time being around her and talking to her. i hate it. i feel like shit about it. but i am soooo tired of her taking advantage. she wants to have the best of both worlds and it isn't happening. i think i'm just going to have to come to terms with her being too far gone. she's made her choices, she's determined to have her way. she's just now finding out that when it comes to our phone, our computers, and anything that needs money, she's on her own, and yesterday morning she tried to get a ride to school from saxy when she overslept and was told she's on her own, but i don't think any of this is enough for her to decide to step back and be less of a bitch and just get through the rest of this year. hell, she's still being a bitch to the kids -- froggy made her something and she wanted nothing to do with it and she was trying to boss poor taz around.

froggy is just devastated over the situation, but helping her to adjust to this is better than having to console her every time there's another explosion (which was just about daily). i will say this, beyond the one phone call late last night, it's been a much more peaceful household. taz asks about her, but he'll adjust as well, i think. he seems to be doing fine at school, which we were worried about.

jeeze, it's no wonder i'm so wiped out. messed up finances, dealing with a balancing act at work that is just a little bit more touchy than usual, and crap with the teenager. too far gone probably doesn't begin to cover the drain on my energy and resources.

definitely lots of sleep will be needed when the school year is over. lots and lots of sleep.

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