tuesday, may 16, 2006

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miss jewel finally has what she wants: freedom from the parental influence. she can ignore her homework all she wants, go where she wants, stay out as late as she likes, and doesn't even have to call "home." course, you know this came with a price.

but to back up a little bit here first.

today was a crappy day at work and at home. the b.s. at work is wearing on my last nerve as it is, i certainly didn't need to come home to more of the same from jewel. this has been going on too long -- the bitchiness; the abusiveness; the unwillingness to cooperate in any way, shape, or form; the fighting at every turn; the snottiness; the stealing and lying. and i'm done with it.

i love my daughter -- i love all my children. i would move heaven and earth to save them. i wish i could have made life easier for them, i really do. but we had to deal with the hand dealt to us. we've done the best we can with that. and with every child there comes a time to let it go, to stop being the parent. with most children, it's the day they are finally ready and able to move out on their own. if you've done your job right and raised them so you're out of a job, it's a bittersweet time. you know they can do what they need to survive, but it's damn hard to let them go. you just know you have to.

but every now and then there comes a child where that letting go isn't bittersweet. it's a relief. if you're lucky, you've made it to their 18th birthday. but not all parents are that lucky. sometimes a parent gets a child where the best thing to do for everyone involved is to step back, no matter how old they are. if they are too young, you may have to find another household for the child. regardless, there's only so much even a parent should have to put up with. and i've reached the limit. i'd hoped to make it to her 18th birthday, but that's not going to possible. i will not spend the next year in constant battle with a 17-year-old snot, even if it's my own child. i've got enough to deal with, including 2 younger children (both of whom are showing signs of their sister's influence).

she's still in the house -- we haven't kicked her out since she literally has no place to go. but now she's a paying boarder as far as we're concerned. she we'll give her the full accounting of what she'll have to pay every month this weekend (which will be the first time i really get a chance to look at everything and decide how to handle it), but right now the girl owes me $50 in miscellaneous expenses, $185 for rent, and $80 for food. we need to add utilities to that figure. her child support should cover most her living expenses, since she will get that for the next year. and she knows this part. but i doubt that everything else she'll have to take care of has hit her yet:

late to school? too bad, we got work and she has to find her own way there;

needs personal items? that's nice -- go buy them;

wants to use the phone? if it's important, i suppose, but it's not her phone any more so she better figure out a way to keep up her cell phone . . . which is also no longer my responsibility;

hungry for a snack? nice -- go buy it. that food bill only covers the basic 3. for anything extra, she's on her own;

runs into trouble for hanging out with the wrong people? too bad -- we can't afford to cover her butt any more;

need to make a doctor appointment? fine, do it, not my job any more;

we're going out to dinner and she wants to go but can't afford it? oh well!

people who have been listening to the b.s. this child has been giving us have said this is the right decision. it's not like we haven't tried (though i'm sure she's told friends' parents that we're the ones with the problem, conveniently forgetting how often she refuses to listen to the simplest of rules). and when i saw things were going to be more physical because she can't get her head on straight about what it means to be in a family, we even tried counseling. she doesn't want to go to that any more either.

i hate to do this, i really do. she's not ready for this, no matter what she says. but i can't take the constant arguing, the disrespect, the lies, the verbal/psychological abuse, none of it. we're already changing the routines to accommodate the fact that she will no longer have chores in the house, changing the schedule to make sure someone is home for taz, and doing what we need to do to adjust. i can't say it's a relief yet, i'm still too damn pissed at her attitude and b.s. to feel relief. and i cried for awhile with kitten over the phone over this. this is not what i saw for my child's future. this is not what i wanted for her.

but i've had it. i don't how she managed to make all the rest of us feel like crap whenever she has a problem, but i'm through with it. i have my autistic son and younger daughter to take care of. i've got my own financial and personal problems on my shoulders. i've been enough of a f-up with our money. apparently i've been more than enough of a f-up in her life. right now, getting the family taken care of is my priority; doing it without the hysterics, chaos, and blow ups we're having on a daily basis would be nice.

no wonder i have hypertension.

she wants her own life but she's not happy with this decision, as far as i can tell. but she's made her choices and now she'll have to deal with the consequences. her attitude and behavior have all screamed "get me the hell out of this house and this family!" well, now she has it -- she can leave any time she wants, she doesn't need to be a part of this family if she doesn't want to be. i've had it with her.

i'm done.

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