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thursday, january 6, 2005



i swear our middle name should be "crises." i could have sworn i asked for more peace, less stress for this year. it certainly doesn't seem to be coming about that way, but maybe it was too much to ask to start off with less stress.

i've asked a friend for help. somehow, whether she helps or not, i'm sure everything will work itself out, but i'm seriously doubting our ability to get through next week and paying all the utilities without losing our checking account. yes, it's that bad. the stupid thing is that this should be the month - or should have been the month - where this kind of mess would be the last time it would happen.

if you hear a "but" coming, you're not far from off.

saxy's not working less just because of my job now. it looks like he's just going to be working less. he called mcat yesterday and went to meet him, but only worked maybe 3 hours. on a day i had off. the other gentleman he has been working for on and off hasn't called him in on anything either. so he's now looking for a part time, evening position. it sucks for him, but we have to have something else coming in on a consistent basis.

not that he will have it in time to help with next week, but maybe it can salvage things later in the month. and it definitely will help starting february when the college loans start coming due and we have no excuses to get deferrals.

so, somehow, i have to pay our utilities next week without getting our checking account closed down. i need to mail a letter to our landlord and let him know that this month's and next month's rent will be coming out of my end of the month paycheck and my son's ssi for february - assuming i actually work for the rest of this month. i all honesty, i'm surprised i'm even working tomorrow. i expected most teachers to actually be in for the first week or two back from vacation. anyway, the hope is that then, at the end of february, i can pay for march's rent in full. at least being on top of the rent is about to come through, even if everything else is still a mess.

i think part of my sudden panic about it is what happened with saxy. it was just one more thing thrown onto my already overly full plate, something i wasn't sure how to react to, and it just pulled me over the edge. i really don't have the emotional resources to deal with much more - even i can see that. we all have our limits, and i've been on the edge of mine for a long time now. the move definitely relieved some of the pressure, but it also added new pressures, so i haven't been able to replenish myself yet. and, honestly, i don't see myself being able to step away from that edge until much later this year. so anything additional - financial or personal - is too much.

and having to deal with a loss in our relationship is bad at any time. for it to happen now is worse than bad.

i've decided to try to move on, but i don't know when i'll trust him again or if i'll ever feel completely safe with him any time soon. we're talking again, although not as freely as before. there's this wall between us - not as bad as yesterday, but there. maybe i'm being too much of a pushover again, but i do love him, even if this was one of the worst things he's done and could ever do. okay, so an affair wouldn't be such a good idea on his part either, but at least i wouldn't feel like my life was threatened.

saxy's middle name should be "doesn't think," i guess. that's what this whole thing came down to for him - he didn't think. hopefully this is one thing he'll think about now. unfortunately, i can't say for sure he will. over the last few days, he's managed to make himself unpredictable when it comes to things like this. i don't know how long it will be before i don't wonder if he's telling me the truth or if he's risking my health.

and, honestly, i can't help but wonder if he was smoking in the house again whenever i have an asthma attack now.

thing is, i can't worry about it now. i have to focus on getting this family on stable financial footing.

really, i can do this. i just have to keep reminding myself of that fact. we've been through a lot over the last few years, and we've always made it through. we will now too. just have to hang on a little longer.


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