after my whine in my last entry, of course it had to get "worse." something hit my account after i thought everything was in or in the wrong order or was over the $5 limit for not getting hit with a fee or something. the next thing i knew, i was hit with 3 nsf fees on one day and the account fee plus a nsf the next. so now we're going to have to work to unbury my account before i can use it again. fortunately, we still have and can use the joint account while we unbury mine, but it really doesn't help when the finances are already stretched tight. i've been doing pretty good in managing the money in recent years—this is the first time i've gotten hit with nsf fees in some time (and you know how it goes, once you get hit with one, the others are just a cascade effect). but i've decided that it might be better to download a budget app rather than trying to manage things from paycheck to paycheck. although, i'll probably end up managing the finances that way anyway since we don't have the money for a more long-term view.

then we got hit with a second punch: we may be losing yet another cat.

we have two stray babies we adopted: gambit and shadowcat pryde. shadowcat wasn't expected to live when we found him: he was starving, beaten up, peeing blood, and freezing. we honestly expected to make his final days as comfortable as we could. but he surprised us and made it through and attached to us.

now, both boys are still strays and still want outside. shadow would go in and out all day and return home by morning when he went out at night. gambit would disappear for days, so we didn't let him out so much. the last time we let him out, he was gone for 3 days and the tag we put on him ended up helping get him home. he'd hurt a paw and was two neighborhoods away! the woman called and we picked him up. she mentioned getting him neutered, and we said we wanted to, but you know, money. turned out, she worked with a clinic and she gave us certificates for both boys.

so, last tuesday, they got fixed and came home. they couldn't take the pain meds—it made them both throw up—but they did okay for a day or so. gambit is still doing okay (and his paw is just fine, thank you), actually, and getting back to normal. running around and crying to be let out (we're waiting at least a month to let the testosterone levels drop in the hope that will keep him closer to home). shadow isn't doing so well, at the moment. he has a hard spot in the shaved area, so i don't know what's going on. is he constipated? is there an infection from the surgery? we just don't know, and we're still too broke to get him in to a vet to figure out what's going on. the clinic is only open monday through thursday, and i plan to call them, but i suspect they won't consider it a problem connected to the fixing or will charge something either way.

so, right now, shadow is sleeping a lot and doesn't appear to be using the cat box (or even a corner). he is eating, though he's not drinking much water (some, but not much). he is interested in going out, but we're not letting him until this resolves. so i'm watching, waiting, hoping to make a phone call and get good news, but...honestly, i'm preparing myself to lose him. it just figures, a male who survives being injured to a point where you think he's going to die, freezing, and starving would survive, but mess with his balls and we got a problem. *rolls eyes*

and yes, i'm aware of how callous (if somewhat amusing) that sounds.

i've decided that if we do lose him, we're not taking another one in any time soon. we lost vagner two years ago and logan just this past summer. ororo is at least 12, and while she is doing really well (other than some tooth problems wee don;t have the $500 to deal with), we have to prepare for her to be going soon as well. so right now, another new cat...just no. the financial and emotional toll is just too much on top of everything else right now, especially with two losses already behind us. if we lose shadow....well, i just don't want to go through it yet again. i still miss my vagner very, very deeply—so much so that thinking of him or seeing a picture of him can make me start to cry. and there's still some grief in play for logan. so, yea, i'm just not up to another cat if we lose shadow too.

this past week has been good in other ways—i have a short story acceptance, my weight is coming off again, youngest is doing well with the pregnancy—but these two hits have overshadowed the good. i'm still struggling in the financial fight, and i'm tired. tired of even a small mistake tanking us. tired of not being able to afford doctors for people or pets. just TIRED. so, yes, lots of sighs this week.

one positive that i'm trying not to let be overshadowed by all this: we are going to manage a small thanksgiving after all. it's just be the four of us, and we've cut our usual menu down significantly, but it's better than last week when i was pretty sure we weren't going to do anything.

still, it's hard to be happy about it while watching over a sick cat.

*sigh*