i'm once again feeling...useless. frustrated. exhausted.

we're back in the midst of financial difficulties. some of it is our fault (seriously, i could have just stuck with the oversized clothes; i certainly didn't need to bury us in more debt when we're not even treading water now), some of it is the rising of everything except income. and fairly soon we'll have another mouth to feed, one saxy and i have agreed to take care of because there's no way youngest can. saxy at least has steady work and we have a roof over our head, one we're barely affording at the moment, but we have one. we need a new one, but for now, we can make due.

i manage to pay our rent, our utilities (barely), our car payments (also barely), and take care of food. everything else is a crapshoot. once in awhile, I manage to get heavier weights (though that's fast approaching being unaffordable) or something else "extra." but mostly, i'm scrambling to cover our butts.

and i can't help thinking i need to be working.

but i can't. my son, if there was a local job he could take, could work at most 3-4 hours, which means i would be able to work even less because i''d need to take him to and pick him up from work. and he needs me home. anyone we'd get to watch him would need to understand autism in general and him specifically but would cost more than i could ever make, especially when you add in work related expenses like clothes, makeup, food, and all that extra stuff. it would also have to be local since transportation would need to be hoofing it, and that really limits my options.

i keep reminding myself of these realities, but it doesn't always help. my family is struggling, and i can't help in a way that feels like i'm really helping.

we're supposed to get a little help for a time, but for the first time, hubs and i are arguing about how to use it: saxy wants me to save it for emergencies (especially since we see things coming like the washer breaking down), and i want to apply half of it towards some of these debts. i want to get rid of some of the smaller crap that's making our finances so much harder to manage. i understand what saxy wants, but are we supposed to let this all go into arrears and tank us yet again? i just don't feel like that's right. the amount we're supposed to get is small, but i figure if i focus on one bill at a time, even $50 a month will help.

we're eating less meat, i'm keeping the heat down to keep the bills down (especially after the summer bills being high), trying to keep water use down, and nearly everything that breaks down is considered unreplaceable. i'm doing what i can to have money for the bills, and we're still scraping, so that extra money? i don't think it's even possible to save it all.

but even that may not be possible at this point. we have to start thinking about moving. we need a 3 bedroom (infant in same room as our adult son won't work, not with the autism), but the 3 bedrooms in this complex start at $1000/month. that's as much as a freakin' house. and even if it weren't, this complex isn't worth it. the maintenance sucks, the amenities are nonexistent, the space small. the only bonus is we can have pets. that's about it. our lease is up in september, as i recall, so when it gets closer, i need to start looking for a place, set up a go fund me campaign, and start preparing to get us out of here.

on top of this, we really need to start seeing doctors and get back on our meds, but once again my insurance choices suck. i can either pay for insurance that we probably won't be able to use because we'll have to scrounge up the full cost of seeing a doctor—which, btw, will be impossible or close to—or attempt to have another $70-115 bill every month so we just pay a co-pay. the only reason youngest is getting medicaid is because of the baby. i'm beyond frustrated. yay, we get health insurance! but wtf? we can't even afford to use it!

we were supposed to use our tax return for a few things, and now all those plans are the window. we may still get a backup laptop (cheap), but the rest? i either need to clear some bills and save some for the upcoming move or save it all for the move.

and i can't do anything to help. i have to stay home with my boy—i'm the cheapest care option we have. but it doesn't make me feel any better about being home without an income. i'm dreaming about what i'd do if we won the lottery (that we don't play because i won't throw good money after bad), but i'd just be happy if i could get us back to the point of being on a relatively even keel again rather than paddling for our lives.

and seriously, this is why i get so annoyed with people who are voting for our current republican party. this attitude of "i've got mine but screw you" is appalling (and the whole "we're christians but don't follow christ's example"...i just don't get it at all). even more appalling is how we've seen that trickle down doesn't work, but so many tea partiers still think we need to keep supporting the wealthy and corporations and screw the rest of us because we're not working hard enough. quite obviously, it pisses me off to no end. and i'm so tired of us struggling, just starting to get on track, then something—usually a car needing to be replaced—and back to struggling again. my husband works hard. i can't help.

and i'm tired of feeling guilty about fighting as hard as i can to keep up afloat.