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NOT useless
sunday, january 20, 2013



this is what i have to keep telling myself, especially lately.

my husband works three jobs. they are jobs he needs to grow in his career, and they earn more than i could since i haven't worked in ages and could probably only get a part time minimum wage thing. the hours aren't regular, so it's not like i could work around his jobs and be sure i'd be in for my shifts on time. we only have one car so i can't work when he's working.

but most of all, i need to be home for my son. i don't resent this. i love my son, and he needs someone to keep an eye on things when he's home. as high functioning as he is, he can't be home alone, and no job i could get would cover care and make us any kind of profit.

so, i'm where i need to be.

but....

we're still struggling. and there are weeks that are harder than others, like right now. like probably for at least the next month. in my head, i know we're not heading back into the nightmare we just got out of, but it's a fear that's hard to ignore. what's scary for me right now is that we can't even afford for saxy to work. it takes $40 in gas and $30 in parking fees each week for him to work one of his jobs. he needs the job to learn high end/fine dining, but that $150/paycheck HURTS. (it's also rather annoying that there's no free parking for staff anywhere down there, but that's pretty much atlanta, and any number of other big cities bow days.)

i'm doing what i can, but my editing pays little and sporadically. my books aren't yet selling. i don't even want to talk about my shorts i've worked months on and gotten next to nothing in return for.

so, i'm frustrated and feeling really bad for my husband carrying the burden of this family.

but i'm where i need to be, doing what i need to do. and my husband supports me being where i am. still, i have to keep reminding myself, i'm not useless. no matter how it feels right now.

i knew getting out of our hole wouldn't be easy. i knew there would be setbacks. some days that knowledge just doesn't filter down to where it needs to go to keep me from driving myself crazy.

i'm not useless. really.

~*~

word of the moment: chatoyant
having a changeable luster or color with an undulating narrow band of white light

 
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