one: end of the week? where on earth did this week go? i mean, really, where is it? looks like even when i'm not subbing may goes by so fast you have no idea what hit you.
two: it is depressing to watch the desktop go from useful computer to oversized paperweight. my preferred anti-virus program has finally stopped supporting 98, which limits severely what i can use the desktop for. granted, i'm not using it for much anyway, but we were letting the kids use it and now i may have to consider scraping up for a laptop for them just to keep the desktop as virus free as possible (the only good news there is that i could get one for about $400 with the right deal, but i would need to do it soon since microsoft is about to make all vista machines a thing of the past). that would make it so the desktop would be down to being an oversized printer and what i use for the minimal graphics and html stuff i do. it's just sad watching this trusty machine that has served me so well over the past 11-12 years losing its usefulness. at this point, i'll need to get a pen drive or two and start offloading some of the stuff saved on this particular hard drive just so i still have it when this machine goes belly up. maybe it's silly to be sentimental over the 98, but it's been a very good machine over the years. it may be the second computer i've ever owned, but it's the first computer that's been so reliable.
three: oh hell no—what ever cold that thinks it's starting better not. things are just stressful enough right now without putting me to bed too.
and, yes, the last week or two have been very stressful for most of us. froggy is frantically trying to dig herself out of the grave she's dug in three classes, kitten is in a complete tailspin about school and work (or, more accurately, the lack thereof), jewel's engagement is off (as is the relationship itself), and we're back to that place where just paying the rent and utilities takes great creativity. i've seriously contemplated becoming active as a sub again, but that won't help the oldest get a job since i would then be unavailable for either taxi services or baby sitting. besides, the idea of me stepping back into a classroom still makes me physically ill. all i can say is that last class really worked a number on me. and who knows what hoops i'd have to jump to get into the subbing thing again, even on a limited school basis.
besides, i'm really enjoying the time i have to write. the progress i'm making has been astounding in a lot of ways. seriously! novel from hell should be done by summer's end (little later than planned, but that's what a near total rewrite of the ending gets you), and two others are moving along very quickly in my process. i'm excited about it all again.
that being said, well, we're back to the scraping by routine, and it's really irritating. i mean, really, how many times do we have to be here? why is it every time we finally start making forward progress the universe has to come along and slap us back down? i mean, i KNOW of people who are having such issues both in their extended families and personally that in some ways i'm grateful all we're dealing with is financial crap, but still. really? here...AGAIN? i am just soooo over it. been over it for a long time, but, jeeze, come on! this is just...well, i don't even know any more. words can't begin to describe.
thing is, when i look on paper, put together the minimum we need to get by and the husband's money and taz's ssi, we should be able to get through. but even when we don't buy extra anything, that's not the reality. i suspect the utilities are a large part of the problem ($650/month for this house, and half of that is gas and electric combined!), and there really isn't anything we can do about it—we've already trimmed about as much as we can. water's down, phone bill is down. any steps to take the cable bill down will only save $10/month, which really isn't enough to stress about. it would be nice if we could just pay off the car and cut that $220 out of the budget, but we still owe $8 grand, so that's not going to happen. we've dropped our food bills as much as we can by going store brands and using the farmer's market for produce and meat (which actually allows us to have fresh fruit and veggies because the cost is so low). the only thing i could cut there is the fruit, which amounts to maybe $20-30 a month—not a big enough savings to warrant taking a necessary nutritional need out of our diets. so, really, i've already done as much as i can. i'd try couponing but most coupons are for major brands. we use our kroger card and get enough savings from that without coupons: we already go store brands which are cheaper to begin with, then the card cuts even more money without me spending hours over a paper. so i'm really at a loss of what more to cut.
and the thing that pisses me off most about this? if trin would pay even HALF of his promised child support, we'd probably be okay. still scraping, but not scrambling to cover holes. and that he's so pissed at kitten for whatever he thinks she did or just because it's a break up and taking that out on his daughter has me livid. be as pissed off as you want at the spouse, DO NOT take it out on the children! but this jackass thinks sending her money is supporting us not his daughter. his daughter who needs diapers, juice, clothes as she gets bigger, and so on. things that add an extra strain to this household and make it that much harder to make ends meet. how can someone not see that by denying support that they are denying their child his or her needs regardless of the living situation? and how can this idiot not understand that kitten and baby cat are actually doing better in this house than they would be if she was trying to pay for her own apartment (seriously, rent alone would be $500; we've been charging $440 for rent, food, AND utilities)? i'm glad his parents can afford to support him even though he's an adult; but to think that every parent can and should be able to do that regardless of circumstances is more than short sighted, it's insane.
but i guess we knew that about doofus boy. and, really, he should be glad i'm in no condition to kick his ass in any way, shape, or form, because, really, this behavior really has me incensed. he's got a kid; vacation time should have been over from the day he got home, and finding a job should have been a priority if only so he could make sure his daughter was taken care of. period.
as for being back here again? yea, stressful, but sort of being managed. i suppose it's a good thing we had just managed to get most of the utilities on half now, half later payments. it tends to make things look a little better than they are and reduces the stress levels a little bit. really, owing $60 on gas instead of $120 is just easier to take even if the overall, total monthly payment is the $120. and i know somehow we'll muddle through. some things are kind of on hold right now as we try to get froggy through to the end of school—she's spending a lot of time after school trying to get her f's up to at least d's (which the district considers passing). once that's done, the next step will be kitten applying for food stamps and public aide and finally going from online applications to in person applications. just have to get youngest through to the middle of next week then it becomes a bit easier for kitten's job search.
all we can do is what we can do and keep hoping that we'll crawl back out again. somehow we always manage, and i think we'll manage this time.
now to convince kitten of that, and we'd have a lot less stress in this house. one day at a time, do what you have to do, and go from there. if there's anything i've learned from being back in this place repeatedly since i was 15, that's it. one day at a time, do what you have to do, and go from there. reduces the stress and gets you through. and when you're in this place, that's the first thing you aim for. everything else? gravy.
