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cornered
thursday, august 28, 2008

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saxy didn't get the bus job, and now...now we have no idea what we're going to do. hopefully tomorrow taz's ssi comes in -- half of it goes to pay off the august rent (we have NO idea how we're covering september at this point), and the other half goes to miscellaneous stuff: filling up the car so saxy can look for work, taz's meds, food...if we have enough for food. right now, everything feels pretty twisted and hopeless, but i'm trying to hang on, to not be lost. i'll probably apply for food stamps next week, so that will be something. not sure the farmer's market takes them, but kroger will.

i keep day dreaming about some very well off good samaritan saving our butts. i know that's not going to happen, but sometimes those bizarre, off the wall dreams are all you have to keep from completely losing it. i am trying to believe that we will somehow make it through all this, that something will come up despite the fact that the economy looks like shit. still, we feel pretty damn cornered right now, and there's just not a whole lot we can do about it.

i am trying to keep my spirits up, but it's very hard. we've been in pretty bad spots before and something has always worked out, but i'm not really seeing that this time. and it sucks that i feel totally incapable of helping. i was looking at jobs today for me, trying to find something i could do, and guess what? all the skills that have gotten me employed before? worthless now. i don't know xp or vista, and my reception experience is from 20 years ago. restaurants are hiring for management, and i definitely don't have the experience for that. i don't even have enough editing experience under my belt to take a different job that would pay per project, assuming anyone near here was hiring editors. i've got a b.a in english that's pretty much proven to be worthless. under the circumstances, trying to hang on, trying to keep hoping, is proving to be pretty hard to do right now.

you know what's weird? saxy and i are both worrying about the animals. if we end up having to move (because, you know, the landlord isn't a charity and isn't going to be patient with this mess forever) or living in the car (at least it's a nice car?), what are going to do with 4 cats, 1 dog, and the ferret? none of the cats would survive outside very long, assuming we could live with ourselves for doing that to them -- and we couldn't. they're family too. if we somehow got a place, we might be able to sneak in the cats somehow, but the dog? impossible. and she's a big dog, which most places don't like even if they accept pets. and the ferret, well, she's musky, you know? we might have someone we know who could take her, but she's the only one i can think of being able to find another home for.

and, honestly, reading the one past whysper written for the 28th in 2001 didn't help. i lost another baby then too. i don't want to lose even one of our current animals to the mess. and they are older animals, not cute babies, so even the humane society wouldn't help much or for long.

and what about phoenix and baby cat? them being out here would probably help, but it's not looking like they're going to get out here any time soon, much less in time to save us the house.

*deep breath*

i keep telling myself that all i can do is what i can do, you know? all i have is my writing, and it might not put me in the money tomorrow, but what else can i do? nothing? that not only doesn't help now, but it also takes away possibilities for the future. not that i'm the next j. k. rowling or anything, but not doing anything is a sure way to ending up with nothing. the books we've put up at lilley are selling slowly, but they are selling, and we have more coming out, but, again, it's a wait and see and let it build kind of thing. the trick is to survive long enough for it all to kick in and actually be enough to help. that means somehow staying in the house (despite the expense) and keeping the phone and electricity.

it's so crazy when the possibilities of the future are what must be used to help determine what is a priority today.

thing is, i know saxy feels even worse than i do, and i can't help him either. i'm feeling cornered, feeling a little incapable, but i know my husband. despite doing everything he can, he feels like a failure, and he probably feels trapped since georgia wasn't his choice.

somehow we'll find a way out of this. somehow we'll survive, somehow we'll make it. i can't see it yet, but that's part of being cornered. everything that has you stuck there is so much bigger than what will get you out, it's just very hard to see past them. but we will. somehow, we will.


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word of the moment: effervescent

giving off bubbles; used of wines and waters; charged naturally or artificially with carbon dioxide; marked by high spirits or excitement
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