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not so patient
sunday, july 27, 2008


i have to admit that right now i'm REALLY having a hard time being patient with a lot of things and a lot of people. well, maybe not a lot -- it's definitely over specific things right now. but it's not taking much to put me at my limit with those things. it doesn't help that deadlines are involved and awfully damned close, either. and it doesn't help that the delays are going to adversely affect our lifestyle. the thing is, i hate feeling bitchy about them too. i kinda understand the why's of it all, it just isn't helping to understand.

like, the car, for example. we have THREE days before the tag we bought is up, but we still don't have a new car on the horizon. things like having me spend a few hours looking through car ads and then NOT EVEN CALLING ABOUT THEM doesn't help. i've just spent a lot of time looking for cars like saxy wanted and he did nothing with it. why bother? i can understand not going -- no gas. he has to work tomorrow so his gas needs to go to that. but seriously, if you're not going to even call to check them, then don't ask me to put my time into looking. i know we need a car (at this point, i wonder if i'm the only one who actually realizes how quickly we need the car despite the babble coming from other people's mouths), but i have other things to do too.

the other problem is my husband's sweet, but somewhat...batty (don't think that's quite the word i'm looking for) father. he's acting like $2500 should be gold for finding a car. um...nope. most car prices start around twice that. and then he adds restrictions on make and model on top of that, and nothing i'm finding is one of the 3 or 4 he wants us to look into.

we have three (3) days left here before running around in our current piece of crap risks getting it impounded. if we end up with a taurus, a van, or a truck as our options, we're going to have to take the taurus whether he objects or not -- the gas on the other two would kill us. we may also end up having to go to a dealer and financing part of the cost. he wants us to avoid all dealers, brokers, whatever and just go with private. sorry, either way you can get scammed and we just don't have the options to limit ourselves anymore that way. saxy's worried that his father won't help if we end up with something he doesn't approve of, but i think given the choice of making sure his son can work a little longer or not being able to work at all and risk putting us all on the street, the dad will pull through.

so, yes, the dad's bit is getting on my nerves a bit, as much as i love him, and my husband's not calling and just sort of giving in to the dad when we don't have the time for this crap is getting on my nerves A LOT. this is why i wonder, despite the words coming from their mouths, if they really know that the deadline is coming up and we have no leeway for this messing around with getting exactly the "right" car from exactly the "right" seller. just isn't going to happen and every delay makes it less likely to happen. we just passed on a car because it was too similar to a taurus even though it wasn't a taurus. really, we do not have time for this shite. THREE DAYS. that's it.

another irritation is the soon to be ex son-in-law, but, really, i don't want to get into that. i honestly think that one raises my blood pressure, which is not good for an old lady in my condition. :P

the other aggravation is, well, me. yes i am feeling muuuuuuuuuuch better, but that's part of the problem. it's hard to be struggling with my stamina and strength when i feel so...normal again. in my head, i know i was down for a long time -- on and off for months. and i know i'm a long way from where i was even before this whole mess started, but it's hard feeling normal while not being normal, if you know what i mean. i feel so much better, so why are stairs still a problem? i feel so much better, so why do i still need 10 hours of sleep a night (other than this heat and the stupid a.c. being on the fritz)? i feel so much better, so why is it still so tiring to do simple things like make lunches, wash dishes, or even take a stupid shower? i feel better, i feel normal, so i should BE better, i should BE normal.

yes, i know it will get better as long as i keep working on it, it's just hard not having what i can do be equal with how i feel. and sometimes i miss the mark and wear myself out. i admit i have no patience with myself under either condition: i should be able to do more, but when i do too much i should have known better. and, yes, i know what an idiot i'm being about it.

the good news is that tuesday i see the obgyn again. hopefully he'll give me a clean bill of health and some of the normal activities i've been avoiding can resume. and maybe i can get my sleep schedule back to mornings around the time the kids go back to school (dudes! august 11! i don't think i'll ever get used to the georgia school year. seriously). and i can start my little stretching routine again and try to get back to what i was before i became a bleeding mess.

i'd say maybe the whole thing will teach me a little patience, but i already know it won't. i've gotten better over the years, but, yea, i'm generally not so patient much. the good news is that the irritations generally tend to be very specific.

the bad news is that the list of specifics is growing.


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giving off bubbles; used of wines and waters; charged naturally or artificially with carbon dioxide; marked by high spirits or excitement
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