another one older
monday, december 10, 2007

yesterday, my youngest turned 14. we didn't have much planned, or much to give her, but what little we were going to do was canceled when she went to a friend's for "an hour" that turned into 2 1/2. it ended up being the quietest birthday ever, even for our girl who is almost a christmas baby. our girl who could have been lost before she was born.

froggy wanted to be born early. i started having contractions when i was 4 months along. my doctor put me on what i called the "no-no plan": no sex, no caffeine, no walking (or as little as possible). the only thing that was a yes was water, he wanted me to drink LOTS of water, to rest as much as possible, and not to overwork. at the time i was separated from my first husband and my first thought was, "are you going to go and get my groceries for me?" fortunately, i had a friend living with me and he helped out a lot doing housework, cooking, and shopping. as long as i took it easy, there were no contraction. we had hope i would make it into january, which is when we thought i was due.

then, in my 6th month, i started coughing pretty badly. i went to the emergency room and the doctor thought i had bronchitis and put me on antibiotics and a "safe" cough suppressant. it didn't help, so we went back. he gave me stronger antibiotics. still didn't help. then i started spotting.

we were fortunate to get a different doctor this time. he diagnosed my adult onset asthma and gave me my first inhaler which settled the cough. he was honest with me and told me that once a woman started spotting, it usually resulted in a miscarriage. i was terrified and called an old high school friend. she sat with me while we waited to see if the spotting would stop. i'm not even sure how long he had me lay down in the room. awhile. a couple of hours. it felt like forever. sitting, waiting, hoping, praying. froggy was a surprise baby, an unplanned caboose, but i wanted this baby with everything that was in me.

the doctor finally released me, reiterating the no-no plan. i wasn't at all snarky about it this time around. i saw a doctor at kaiser, and for the first time was treated as a part of my medical treatment. he told me i did indeed have asthma and that we had to make some decisions together. i'd never had a doctor like that before. we discussed the options, the affects the medications could have on the baby, and chose one with the least amount of risk.

i continued to have early contractions, and froggy was born perhaps 2-3 weeks early, but she was healthy and ready for the world. she had almost no voice when she was born. i remember having gamers over and having to tell everyone to be quiet so we could hear if she was crying...and she was in a nearby room with the door open.

she's gotten a lot louder since. ;)

and now, she's 14. "people" say it's 16 to look out for, when there's this dividing line in a child's life. people are wrong. the first dividing line, for girls at least, is when they start developing. it's hard to see your own child with a figure, to realize that adulthood is coming a lot faster than you're ready for. next year, she starts high school. she moves her way to a whole different way of being that moving from elementary school to middle school doesn't even come close to. that dividing line is now. from this point on, she will love me, will still be my little girl, but she will also really start breaking free and becoming her own person on her way to adulthood. the process will take a few more years and will even go years past turning 18, but it starts now.

she's still my little girl for a little longer. okay, probably forever. and she will still come to me for advice, for hugs, for love that she knows is unconditional. but our relationship will be changing as she grows into her own independence.

i hope it's not too wrong of me to miss what we have now.

word of the moment: accension

the act of kindlingor setting on fire, or the state of being kindled; inflammation; ignition

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