what timing
tuesday, july 24, 2007

i've really hated the cycle i seem to be stuck in over the years. things get going okay, we're making some kind of progress -- not always the best progress, but progress, and then another monkey wrench gets thrown in and a job is lost or some other b.s. slides us back to pre-progress problems. georgia hasn't been a fantastic place for us, but, overall, it really isn't that much worse than cali. cali had its advantages for us financially that georgia hasn't done so well for us, but georgia has had a few opportunities we couldn't find in cali. living expenses have about tripled and income didn't quite increase to match, so it has been harder. but my son is doing better and we've both had work opportunities. saxy's job hasn't been easy, but it has paid well, all things considered. and i think saxy would have been okay with it, hell, i would have been okay with it, if it hadn't been for the b.s. we've gone through with my brother. i mean, just the fact that every time we start to get out from under his "control" (for lack of a better word) he manages to do something that makes it impossible to make that final step impossible makes it difficult to appreciate the "help" he's given us. help we didn't ask for even. and, really, i blame myself for a lot of it -- i really should have said "thanks, but no thanks" when the offer came up. i've had problems with family and friends who "offer" large amounts of help that include monetary help. it almost always ends badly all the way around.

and now things are sliding into even more unstable territory. mcat hasn't been looking for new work for his biz. he hasn't had his partner looking for new work for his biz. in fact, mcat has all but stepped out of his biz and seems to be letting his partner do mop up, but he's not really telling anyone that's what he's doing. he takes control of who works where when it's convenient for him, but that's about it. he's not giving the employees any warning that the business is going down and that he's doing nothing to salvage it. instead, he's working for someone else. he's kept most the guys working on a couple of "personal" projects -- the house he and his new wife are buying, for example. concerns about paychecks clearing have steadily gotten worse over the year, and it's not looking much better in the future. and now my husband may be out of a job.

yes, he's been planning to get out of working with/for mcat for some time. he's had concerns about how to go about getting out, but, yea, he's been wanting out. in true mcat fashion, he's managed to find ways to keep saxy working, but that's obviously not going to last much longer. again, this is all working out on his timing, leaving us to scramble as best we can to get things worked out before the paychecks cease entirely. saxy has told me not to worry about it, that he's doing what he needs to do, but it just irritates me that we're back to this practically right on time. we've lived here 3 years, so we got an extra year out of this job. things seem to explode for us on the financial level, with lost jobs and whatnot, around every 2 years.

it's. driving. me. batshit!

and of course this would happen after i turned down an interview for a possible stable, full time, permanent position as a teacher in favor of getting some experience as an editor. don't get me wrong -- after my last long term, i've come to the conclusion i would have been a miserable, and, as a result, and awful, teacher. maybe not at first. but eventually it would have just worn me down. add to that the fact that at least the first year isn't your own anyway (and usually longer than that) and that school for the certificate would have annihilated whatever fragments were left, i know teaching is probably the last thing i should be doing. but we would have some financial security. and now it's too late. the new teachers have all been hired in our county. i'm back to subbing. i'll keep my sanity (and to ensure that, i'm not doing any long term positions any more), but i'll be making less and still have no insurance for the husband. and i can't even tell you if the trade off is worth it, because i've not had financial security since i was 13 and my mother divorced my stepfather. i don't even know what it looks like.

and in another piece of timing, a company which probably pays by the project has sent me the editing test right when the small press has sent me 8 new projects -- 3 of which need to start right away. and it's another bad sample that needs massive work, and i just can't seem to get the energy and motivation together to just do it. i'm worried about a nightmare logjam in terms of time and projects. which is silly. i'm also concerned the place isn't legit.

i could also just be plain burned out on the whole business. i don't mean editing, although there's a chance that the extra crit work (which is sorta how i see it) is burning me out. i think it's just the whole cycle again. we're not teetering yet, but i see it starting it, and i'm just tired of it. i'm tired of worrying about taking care of my kids. i'm tired of watching other people get their lives together -- i want it to be out turn. i'm tired of waiting for it. this week, for the first time, i looked in my fridge and freaked because it was the emptiest i've ever seen it. i was scrounging for food for my kids. it's never gotten that bad before. and i can just see it getting worse if saxy doesn't manage to break the chain of job for 2 years, unemployment for a year. and i'm terrified.

someone, somewhere, has got to help us work on this timing thing and kick this cycle's ass out of my life. it's long past time, ya know? long past time.

word of the moment: accension

the act of kindlingor setting on fire, or the state of being kindled; inflammation; ignition

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