restless yuck
friday, december 8, 2006

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i have to go back into this class for the first week of january -- barring getting employed, of course. yuck.

honestly, some of these kids are okay. they work hard. they care about their grades. i even have a class that tends to take care of me after the antics of my first period -- guess they don't want to send me over the edge or something. and the class after that has its issues, but they aren't really so bad. but my first period and my last period of the day make me not want to go to work in the morning even with the good kids that are in there. and for both of them, it's just one or two (or three) kids that get the whole class going. it's sad. and it's crazy stupid.

maybe i'll get something full time, permanent and will have the pleasure of telling the school to look elsewhere.

yea, right.

my job isn't the only place i'm feeling restless. lately i just want time to do something with our house -- repaint it, reorganize it, something. despite its problems, it is a cute little place, or would be if we didn't have it looking like a dump with our boxes, lack of furniture and other things. problem is, there isn't a whole lot we can do. we can clean it up, but even then everything looks . . . dingy. and i guess it's kind of pointless to attempt to unpack or anything if we're going to be trying to move in a few months.

and that may be part of it too. when i was a kid, we moved almost every year. by the time i was an adult, i'd moved more than 1 1/2 times for every year i'd been alive. that number has dropped significantly now, but i think it made moving into a new place every few years a part of my make up. the funny thing is i still really hate moving. i actually prefer stability. but i noticed in cali, where i lived in the same apartment for years and years, every now and then the desire to move on would well up. restlessness. unfortunately, being broke makes it impossible to follow through.

it's not just in my environment that i'm feeling this restlessness of late. i'm feeling a need to change, to improve things in my life, to change some part of who i am to be something better. lose some weight, try to be closer to the parent i always wanted to be and just haven't managed, something. maybe it's the fact that i haven't been writing lately, i don't know, but there's this need to be different pressing against my skin from the inside. and it's making me restless.

and i know it probably won't happen. i just don't have time. i'd like to say that the changes we'll be making in how we spend will help, but i doubt it. this restlessness is coming from deeper than that. it's the kind that results in something totally new and different if you can follow through with it.

hell, even if i had the time, it probably wouldn't happen. i'm just a dreamer -- follow through has rarely been one of my more consistent traits.

it's frustrating in its own way, really. fortunately, it's not as frustrating as having to go back into that classroom. ug.

word of the moment: picaresque

belonging to or characteristic of a type of prose fiction that features the adventures of a roguish hero and usually has a simple plot divided into separate episodes; relating to or characteristic of rogues or scoundrels; picaresque fiction - prose fiction featuring the adventures of a roguish hero

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