focus on filling
saturday, july 29, 2006

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"Bridge of Wings -
Where He Waits"

Pui-Mun Law

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it's been another insane week. early this week we ended up with another kick in the pants that just . . . well, it was bad. we're lucky to still have our bank account, that's how bad it was. i spent most of the week trying to pick myself up off the floor. then the end of the week was filled with dii drama -- some of it low key, some of it not so low key -- and once again i'm left wondering why do i bother with it. some days it is so fulfilling, but the times it doesn't seem to be worth it are happening more and more. i'm tempted to either leave it in the hands of one of our two remaining admins or to just walk away and close up shop. i won't, of course, not yet anyway. but i can see it happening one day. everyone has their limit and i think mine might be approaching. i can't even take a vacation right now to see if all i need is to sit back a few weeks and not worry about it -- i'm the only really active admin there.

but that's not what i want to write about. ;)

sandwiched between these two crises was some good stuff, and that's what i want to focus on. i'm tired of all the crap that goes on in my life. there's more to talk about than money failures, difficult kids, and the lack of work. occasionally something good happens. and all that other crises in my life often serve to do one thing: it makes even the smallest good into something amazing.

thursday i went to see a doctor because my heart meds had run out. i hemmed and hawed about it -- because of money, but i finally did go. i pretty much expected another status quo kind of thing -- getting the one medication refilled and pretty much nothing else really seriously looked at. i don't blame the doctors for the situation. i'm considered a visiting member here and am supposed to do one of two things: 1) go back to where i came from and see a regular doctor there, or 2) change my status to full member here. since i am home now, the first isn't happening, and the district is holing up the second. and with their case loads full, most doctors aren't going to look past that visiting label, and may even be relieved that i'm "just" visiting (granted, 2 years of visiting, but visiting none the less).

this doctor, however, apparently decided it was time someone, anyone, took me in hand, visiting or not. it's been so long since anyone looked at me as more than a prescription refill that i felt kinda like an idiot trying to answer her questions -- i could swear i was just babbling at least at one point. however, she seemed to at least understand why i was thrown off by her take charge attitude. she changed my heart medication, refilled my tummy medication, and insisted i get back on my asthma meds and regimen despite the fact that i've gotten maybe one asthma attack a year since moving here.

but it doesn't stop there. next week i need to go in and have my blood pressure checked. no surprise there, i've had to do it on and off for the previous medication too. she also ordered labs. again, not a big surprise -- i'm anemic and my period has been wonkier than wonky of late. however, she also insisted i get a check up with gynecologyand come in to see her (specifically) for a physical.

okay, so it's only going to be 2 appointments with her, but it really did seem like she was taking charge and is going to try to give me consistent care. and she made sure every last one of her instructions were written down and pointed them all out to me. most the doctors i've had in the past ramble at me verbally awhile, hand me a bunch of papers, and then go. she made an effort to meet my memory at least halfway.

even the labs went well. i have a horrible time with needles -- i can scare doctors with my reaction to them. but the tech i got was good. i felt next to nothing. the only downer for the day was the cost of my medications: just over $93. since then, i've started to develop the cough i was told to watch for, but so far it seems manageable by having something to drink on hand.

and yesterday we got a little garnish on this financial nightmare we're having. mcat gave saxy a 10% cost of living raise, so he's now making $16.50 an hour. and he promised to give another one next summer. saxy doesn't work full time when i'm working, so this isn't a huge addition to the paycheck, but it is something. my only concern is whether or not it will knock us over the maximum income we're allowed to have and still receive s.s.i. for taz. i honestly don't know how close we've been shaving it to that edge, but i do know an extra $1.50 and hour will not make up $465 even at full time hours.

but, for the moment, i'm trying to focus on the filling -- on the good things in this week's crises sandwich.

and, maybe, trying to get to bed since it's almost 5 a.m.

word of the moment: creativity

imaginative ability: the ability to use the imagination to develop new and original ideas or things, especially in an artistic context

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